Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty

AN: I hope this chapter answers some questions a few of you have been asking me about. There really isn't much dialogue here and it's short, but it needed to end here for what I have planned next, it won't flow right.

Characters belong to SM, sad story still mine.

JPOV

The man spoke in my ear, whispering, pleading, commanding me to hate myself, my life, anyone that loved me but him. He was the only one allowed to love me, and made sure that no one else ever could, thoroughly mind-fucking me. I'd given myself over to him willingly, so in his mind he won, he owned me now. He wasn't wrong there, I did hate myself, I never let others love me. The only thing he got wrong is that I never, would never, could never love him. The thought made me violently ill.

I don't know when I finally fell asleep, between all the guilt and all the other shit that felt like it had been attacking me I don't know how I slept at all, but I did. Waking up I thought I was alone in the room, for the first time I didn't want to be. My hands were up pulling the covers tightly to me, it was fucking freezing in here. Then I made out the silhouette in the chair, Edward. Only the chair seemed to be much closer to the bed than previously. Shit, I hadn't scared him off? How was that possible? If it was me and I was fairly mentally stable I'd probably run from someone like me, that's what others had done to me in my past, they never could deal with it, even the ones that thought they could.

The first time I had sex with someone it was a friend of mine. I'd tried with others and... well... the end result was the same, I always froze up. Seduction leading straight from logic to nightmare. Unable to trust anyone, trust them enough not to hurt me... was difficult for me and for them. Trying again and again I just decided it wasn't worth it anymore and just be alone and lonely for the rest of my life. My friend is the one that suggested it, I certainly didn't bring it up. I thought he was crazy, we weren't exactly interested in each other. He was tired of me being unhappy and alone because of it. He knew somewhat what happened to me, but not really the details of it, I kept that to myself.

Laughing hard when my friend suggested we have sex I nearly fell off the couch we were on. “Are you insane?” I asked, wiping tears of laughter off my face. That was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard, he knew I couldn't and hadn't been able to have sex with anyone. I always panicked before we got too far into it.

Frowning at me he said “No, I'm not insane and I'm completely serious. Jasper, you are a grown man and at this rate you will never have sex with anyone, you won't even try anymore.”

“Yeah, but... I don't think I can handle freaking out one more time or scaring the other person away. No, just no. Not anymore.” By this time I was pleading with him to understand, to leave me alone. Fuck, if we tried anything and I freaked then I was sure I'd lose him as a friend too, it happened too often like that.

“You won't scare me away. You can say no, I'll stop whenever you want me too, I won't push it. I just... want you to be happy, with someone, anyone and it doesn't seem like you are going to be if you don't get over your fears.” His tone was serious as he spoke and I sucked in a heavy breath, I still kind of thought he was joking, no such luck. “It doesn't have to be today, but I want you to know I'll be here if you change your mind.”

Nodding my head I didn't think I'd ever do anything with him. That is, until I met someone else I found extremely attractive and really liked and wanted to make it work despite my previous failed attempts. I managed to fuck it up again. Coming back to my friend later I asked him if the offer still stood. Smiling at me he said “Of course, come on in.”

He was gentle, caring, watching to make sure I wasn't losing it, closing myself off. Why couldn't we like each other as more? It sure as hell would make life easier. We never did, but his care and his time he spent with me made me realize I could be with someone, that I could have sex without that man's face constantly in my mind like before.

Shaking myself out of that reverie I wondered what brought it on. Turning my head I saw Edward still silent, eyes closed, in the chair. I didn't know if he was actually asleep or not. He was the one that brought that memory to the surface I knew, my attraction to him. Damn it, if I wasn't mistaken he was attracted to me as well. What would happen to him if I finally couldn't hold it together, if I gave up? Would that make him give up? He'd had four failed attempts at ending his life, would he do it again? I could already see we were becoming close enough that anything we did would affect the other. Shit, how did that happen? We hadn't known each other but a couple of days.

Finally getting angry, angry at myself, angry at that man, I hit my fist on the bed hard and sat straight up. No, that man couldn't have me, he wouldn't destroy my life. My guilt and shame I'd just have to deal with, my pain, he wasn't going to win. I won't let you win, do you hear me?

Right now I really wanted to punch something, get my frustration and anger out. It took me a few minutes to realize I wasn't wanting to cut myself open first. That was new. I wondered how long that would last, it always came back to me.

Startled Edward sat up and blinked at me. At first he seemed to be confused as to where he was, until his eyes adjusted in the dim light. “Jasper? What are you doing awake?” He whispered to me in the quiet night.

When I looked at him I felt a burning desire to get better, to get well, for him. That wasn't feasible, I couldn't get better for him, I had to get better for me first. But, my eyes blazed, I wouldn't want his death on my hands, for it to be my fault that he died if I took mine. According to him one life had already been taken weirdly because of me, because he was most angered by the video of me and my innocence. Snorting at myself I didn't feel innocent, I still felt dirty, even then.

Holding out my hand to him it was the first time I'd initiated any physical connection with anyone in a long time. Although he'd held my hand, he took it, not the other way around. Edward's look of surprise quickly changed to a slight smile as he squeezed my hand back. We didn't say anything the rest of the night, we didn't need to, I think we understood each other already.

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Nineteen

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Nineteen

AN: Today I feel sad as so many of you have had to endure something similar to this, like me, it shouldn't be this way.

Characters belong to SM, story is mine.

JPOV

Edward helped me off the floor and back into the hospital bed, the plastic underneath made me hot and sweaty and did not help my mood at all. He resumed holding my hand and I couldn't help but think of my mother's hand in mine. Only she was in the hospital bed, hair all gone, no fight left in her anymore. Smiling weakly at me she told me “I love you, Jasper. Always remember that. When I'm gone I want you to keep living, find love, be happy, don't let the things in your life tear you down.” Choking back sobs then, I choked them back now. My mother passed away not even a day later. I felt like I was letting her down right now, but I just couldn't help it, my mind was so thoroughly infected I didn't know how to remove it.

Lifting my eyes to Edward's bright green ones I heard his breath catch, I wondered what that was about. “The last person to ever hold my hand other than you and Alice was my mother before she died.” I still choked back my sobs, as much as I could, but I was sure I wasn't successful. Edward was silent, but squeezed my hand tighter in acknowledgment that he heard me.

This connection I felt with him was the first of its kind and I had no idea what to do with it. My mind was still conflicted and battling every second on what I should do. In shame the tears I'd been holding back flowed silently down my face. Fuck, why couldn't I be stronger? Edward wasn't a basket case, so why would I be? It seemed to me that what he'd been through was worse, so how could he be okay and yet I wasn't? “This is stupid, I shouldn't be crying.”

“It's not stupid, you've dealt with a lot of shit. It's not stupid.” He told me firmly.

Closing my eyes I blew out my breath. What would I tell him? Should I tell him? It had to be better than talking to the counselor that I absolutely hated with a passion or anyone else that would look at me with pity in their eyes and offer me ridiculous platitudes that frankly only served to make me feel worse.

Coming to a decision I opened my eyes and whispered “It was the laughter.”

Surprise showed on his face as he asked curiously “Whose laughter?”

“That man's, someone else in the hall reminded me of it.” I stated. I saw the flicker of recognition in his eyes, he remembered it too. “I just remembered why I don't like it when people call me... b... ba... baby.” I stuttered, afraid the word would set me back again. The word terrified me in a way that was completely irrational, but made my skin crawl when I heard it.

“It's okay, Jasper, you don't have to tell me anything else.” He soothed. What? NO! If there was any hope of me getting better, living up to what my mother wanted then I knew he was the only one that could help me out of this.

“No, I want to. I don't know anyone else I can even tell this stuff to.” I pleaded with him to listen, he nodded his head. Recalling the nightmare was hard and so was the flashback, but Edward listened to what I said. He didn't offer advice, just let me get it out, while actually listening to me, instead of closing himself off.

The longer I spoke, the more about my time I remembered, things I didn't want to remember. Near the end of my stay with that man I'd stopped arguing, resisting, or crying. I let him touch me, it was easier and less painful. I never thought I'd see my home or my parents again, that this would be my life permanently and I didn't want to feel the pain anymore. Shame and guilt hit me then, why wouldn't I fight back? Why would I let him do that to me? It hurt me to think I might have even allowed it. I felt dead inside, drowning in the moment.

The whole thing made me feel sick and disgusting, like I'd never be clean again. Not even the rain could make me clean. My breathing was heavy and panicked. I let him touch me? Horrified by the thought I started shaking and sweating and this time... this time... I needed the pain, I needed to feel pain, I deserved it. I wanted to split my skin, to bleed again. Why would I let him touch me? Why? Just so I didn't have to feel the pain anymore. I was sick and needed to be punished. The black soulless thing was laughing maniacally now and holding on so tightly I had no air, wanting me to join in its madness.

No longer seeing the room I was in I sat up and looked around frantically, my peripheral vision was starting to turn black. I felt arms around me, I tried to shake them off. They were pulling me back to reality, I didn't want reality, it hurt too much there.

A frightened voice broke through my thoughts “Jasper? Jasper? Please come back to me.” Gulping deep breaths, I finally made it back, back to the room, back to Edward. Edward, that had his arms around me, holding me, begging me to come back, begging me to stay, not to let him win.

That only made me cry harder, I don't think I'd ever cried this hard in my entire life, too many memories bombarding me all at once. Edward never allowed that man to touch him, he fought him every step of the way. Why couldn't I do that?

I had no idea how much time had passed, but I eventually calmed down enough that I could see properly and speak.

“Jasper, what happened? Where did you go?” Edward asked me, his own voice quivering in terror.

Swallowing I looked away, could I really admit to him what was bothering me? He looked like he was desperate to help me. I didn't want to be lonely in my own skin anymore and this was the only person that I'd met that could understand.

Looking back at him I realized he was standing beside the bed, but his arms were still around me as though they were desperately trying to keep me grounded to the now. Well... at least I didn't freak out over that, like I was afraid I would.

“I... I remembered.” I stated unsure how much more I could get out. “Edward, I...” Choking on sobs again. God damn, I was sick of crying.

“It's okay, whatever it is.” His voice was soft and mellow as it floated in the room.

“I... at the end... I let him touch me. It hurt less. Why would I let that monster touch me?” My voice stammered in the beginning ending in a shout. I was angry, ashamed and guilty.

“Jasper, listen to me. You were only six and scared and innocent. It was probably because you didn't fight him that he let you go.” He told me and then gave a bitter laugh. “Maybe if I had been the same I would have gotten out faster or more easily, but I couldn't. I was too old when he took me and after watching all those boys too angry.”

“Don't be ashamed of that, never be ashamed of it. That's what got you out.” Edward's voice was firm, with no room for argument. It helped calm my mind down to think of things that way, but it didn't make me feel any better about it. The shame and guilt remained.

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Eighteen

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Eighteen

AN: This is dedicated to someone that just can't get enough Edward, you know who you are, haha. Anyway, this is the same scene as last chapter, with a few added things, but from Edward's point of view. It's still sad, but as it's from Edward's more healed mind, maybe not as much.

Characters belong to SM, my sad story.

EPOV

Sitting on the cold tile floor with Jasper I wondered just what brought this on. The dream he'd had was terrifying for him I could tell. He'd been telling someone to leave, I was guessing after they'd called him baby. Shit, such a small, innocent word and it took on a whole different meaning to him. Whatever this was though was worse, so much worse. He'd had a flashback I knew, I'd had plenty of my own that I wasn't at all surprised by it.

I was holding his hand after he woke and the next thing I knew he was across the bed, panting, looking around in terror. What happened? I wondered if he'd ever tell me what brought this on.

He wasn't there in the room with me anymore, he'd been transported back in time, shadows descending.

Touching his shoulder I tried to bring him back to the present and out of the abyss. He knocked the wind out of me as he elbowed me hard. I should have known better, he didn't even know where he was right now. As far as I knew he was still there living through that nightmare. Turning around on me I knew he wanted to hit me until he recognized me and where he was.

Jasper sank to the floor and laid his head down on it. He looked wounded and fearful, I wasn't sure if it was for himself or the other boys, the ones I was forced to watch. He couldn't be left alone now, not for a single second, if he was it'd all be over. I knew he would succeed next time.

He looked absolutely horrible, he was crying and screaming, and trying to protect the boys he couldn't in his mind. Then I watched as he nearly stopped breathing, the pain was too great.

“Jasper?” I screamed his name over and over again to get him to come back to me, afraid to touch him.

“Doc?” Angela came running into the room, wondering why I was screaming. When she saw Jasper on the floor she tried to move closer, but I shooed her out of the room. Jasper wouldn't be better if there were more people here right now.

Finally, finally, he looked up at me, came back to the here and now.

Closing his eyes again he laid his head back down. My heart was squeezed tight for this man, for his pain so precious. I couldn't understand why I'd feel that way, but he shouldn't live this way. I'd fought and fought hard to get to where I was now, I only hoped he had the strength to do the same. I still wasn't too sure that he did. Could I ask him what brought it on or would it only make it worse?

Sitting down on the floor beside Jasper I waited until Jasper could pull himself together. “Jasper? It's okay now. Whatever happened is in the past, that man can't hurt you anymore if you don't let him.” Slowly he opened his eyes to look at me, but without lifting his head. “He has power over you because you've given it to him, Jasper. Take your power back, fight for it.” He looked as though the terror he had was subsiding.

Sitting up finally he looked at me and said “I don't know how.”

Reaching out one hand toward him I very carefully picked up his hands and turned it over showing him the inside of his arms. The wounds were starting to heal, but they were still there, still red. “Jasper, it won't be easy. It will probably be the most difficult thing you've ever done in your life, to continue pushing forward, living after what was done to you is not easy and never will be.” Then tracing my finger over the cuts I said “Don't give him the power or the satisfaction of taking your life. You have the power there, it's all in your hands. Now you must decide what you are going to do with it. Talk about it, get better, fight. Or be weak and end it all and throw life away for a subhuman.” These were words that had been spoken to me and helped me more than anyone else. They were told to me by someone that had gone through the same thing, not a counselor that didn't have a clue what it was like.

Jasper pulled away from me putting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He needed strength, courage, to fight that man and the presence he left behind. It was time for him to grow thicker skin or he'd never make it out of this world in one piece.

Waiting a few minutes on the floor like that I finally took his hands away from his face and pulled him up off the floor with me.

Jasper crawled back into the hospital bed I was sure he hated by now. I resumed my seat and picked up his hand once again, every injured soul needs a silent hand to hold.

Looking down at my hand he looked like he was somewhere else, but fortunately this time, not in a bad place. I wondered what he was thinking about. As if he read my mind his eyes lifted to mine, the sad blue made my breath catch. “The last person to ever hold my hand other than you and Alice was my mother before she died.” He seemed to choke on sobs as he spoke. His parents were probably the reason he had lived for as long as he did and now that they were both gone, there was nothing worth living for. This pain I really couldn't understand as I still had both my parents, but I tried to lend him whatever strength I could. I didn't speak, I had no idea what to say, I just held onto his hand tighter, still afraid of doing anything else.

The tears flowed silently down his face and he wiped them away frantically with his free hand. “This is stupid, I shouldn't be crying.”

“It's not stupid, you've dealt with a lot of shit. It's not stupid.” I told him, meaning it, still resisting the urge to hug him.

Jasper closed his eyes and slowly blew out his breath. I watched as his pink lips came together as he did it and really had to keep myself in the reality of this situation, it wouldn't be appropriate to kiss a patient at all, nor would it be appropriate at this point in his life. I was afraid that just might send him right over the edge.

Opening his eyes again Jasper took a deep breath and whispered “It was the laughter.” What?

“Whose laughter?” I asked him curiously.

“That man's, someone else in the hall reminded me of it.” He stated. Fuck, I remembered that laugh too, my stomach flipped thinking about it. “I just remembered why I don't like it when people call me... b... ba... baby.” He stuttered out the end, afraid to say the word himself. The word only had power because he gave it power, but it was doubtful that it would ever lose its hold on his mind, no matter how long he lived. I was shocked he volunteered that information to be honest.

“It's okay, Jasper, you don't have to tell me anything else.” I soothed, he looked like he was about to panic.

“No, I want to. I don't know anyone else I can even tell this stuff to.” He pleaded with me to listen, I nodded my head. Jasper proceeded to tell me the nightmare and then the subsequent flashback he'd had. It was sad, but not a shock, I understood.

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Seventeen

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Seventeen

AN: This chapters is a little short, but frankly hard to take. There isn't much relief in this one, sorry guys.

Characters belong to SM, my story

JPOV

Never in my life did I want someone to hug me as much as I did now, but fear kept me from doing it or asking for it. I needed the comfort, but... what if it just brought out more nightmares? Something black and soulless was grasping my ankle tightly pulling me down, the more I resisted the more it scrabbled for me.

“Jasper, are you okay?” Edward's voice was soft in the dim light.

Gulping I tried to push away the dream. Nightmares screaming out their desperate pleas. If I could not remember, not feel, then I wouldn't need the pain to end, wouldn't need to look for another outlet to cut myself. Although I couldn't think of anything else that would make me happier right at that moment. Edward's presence was the only thing that stopped me from doing it. He was the epitome of everything I wanted to be, the epitome of everything I hoped to be.

Five minutes passed before I even remembered he'd asked me a question. Looking up at him I let out a shaky breath and answered “Yeah...” Closing my eyes to shut off the world, the sounds, Edward's even breathing, the buzzing of the overhead lights in the hallway, I let the memory overtake me, let me relive that hell. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it, it was there and now I apparently had to deal with it before it went away. I couldn't. How could I deal with that one memory when I couldn't deal with the bigger one, the one that caused that to turn out so badly in the first place?

Laughter, unpleasant, haunting laughter came down the hall. It sounded so much like that man's maniacal laughter that I shot up and out of bed, panting, looking around in terror.

I was only remotely aware of Edward moving beside me. I was transported, back to being six again, back to that nightmare. The man... James... was laughing and... touching me... The whole thing played out in my head like a movie that I wanted to walk away from, but couldn't.

This time I wasn't in front of the camera. Apparently one recording of the first time and the terror he inflicted was good enough for him, but that didn't mean it stopped. He had already used me, what more did he want from me? “Let me go home, please...” I begged him crying.

“No.” Then he caressed my cheek and pushed back my hair as though in a loving manner, something my mother did to me. That only made me cry harder. “Baby, you are mine.” He whispered to me and touched me where he'd carved his initial into my flesh. “You'll always belong to me, baby.”

Glaring at him full of hatred I told him “I'm not your baby.”

His laugh was maniacal and frightening. “Yes, you are. No matter where you go, I will be there, you'll take me with you the rest of your life, baby.”

Then he pushed me down on the bed and repeatedly thrust into me whispering over and over “I love you, baby.”

The touch on my shoulder brought me back to the present and I elbowed Edward in the gut so hard I knocked the breathe out of him. Turning around I nearly punched him until I realized who he was and where I was and that I was a grown man, not a six year old that couldn't fight back.

Instead of asking him if he was alright, I sank to the cold tile floor and laid my head on it, anything to get the pressure to stop, to bring me back to real time. The cries of the wounded and frightened haunted me, they kept repeating what I'd seen on those tapes. My tears ran hot down my face. Why couldn't they just let me end my pain? It could all be over if they'd just let me go. I wouldn't fail next time, I wouldn't.

As that thought ran through my head the nameless, faceless, soulless creature was no longer scrabbling for me, it was holding on tight. I was in its clutches and couldn't break free.

“Jasper?” Edward called out, he must have been screaming. When I looked up at him his face was red and his voice hoarse like he'd been screaming my name over and over again. He hadn't made an attempt to shake me or touch me to acknowledge him. That was probably better, I had no idea what I'd do if he did.

Closing my eyes again I laid it back on the cold tile that was a relief to the heat on my face. That wasn't the first time I'd had a flashback, but it had to be one of the most memorable and soul-shattering for me. No wonder people couldn't call me baby. I knew he had, but I didn't remember this part. That entire scene I'd completely blocked out from my mind, now it did nothing but echo.

Edward sat down on the floor beside me and waited patiently so I could pull myself together, this time I wasn't sure I ever would. “Jasper? It's okay now. Whatever happened is in the past, that man can't hurt you anymore if you don't let him.” Slowly I opened my eyes to look at him, but without lifting my head. “He has power over you because you've given it to him, Jasper. Take your power back, fight for it.” The soulless thing clutching at me didn't like his words at all, its grip was loosening.

Sitting up finally I looked at Edward and said “I don't know how.”

Reaching out one hand towards me Edward very carefully picked up my hands and turned it over showing me the inside of my arms. The wounds were starting to heal, but they were still there, still red. “Jasper, it won't be easy. It will probably be the most difficult thing you've ever done in your life, to continue pushing forward, living after what was done to you is not easy and never will be.” Then tracing his finger over the cuts he said “Don't give him the power or the satisfaction of taking your life. You have the power there, it's all in your hands. Now you must decide what you are going to do with it. Talk about it, get better, fight. Or be weak and end it all and throw life away for a subhuman.”

His speech was passionate, but at subhuman I almost laughed, almost. The atmosphere wasn't really inviting to laughter, especially since that's what triggered that memory in the first damn place.

Pulling away from him I put my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. There was a silent war waging in my head. The black soulless thing.... wanted me to join it. The gold creature was fighting it and me to keep me in the light. Whatever happened I just wanted the pain to end.

AN: I seriously considered expounding on his flashback, but decided against it. That would just be too much.

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Sixteen

Scars and Nightmares Chapter Sixteen

Characters belong to SM, story is still unfortunately mine.

JPOV

Our conversation got quiet after I admitted that I needed to get back to writing. I didn't want to think about the reason I'd stopped, it would only fuck me up in the head once again.

After a while Edward asked me “Do you like being a cop?” God, I hoped this didn't turn into an interrogation. How was I supposed to answer that question?

“Do I like being a cop?” I asked out loud to gather my thoughts. “Do I like the fact that the world needs people like me in it? Do I like the fact that the world is a cruel place that people like me have to exist in it to keep it in order? No, I hate that fact altogether. I wish there was no need for that job, at all.” It was the truth. People like me shouldn't have to be around to protect people, people should do the right thing in the first damn place. They didn't.

Edward looked thoughtful as he asked “Then why do you do it?”

Closing my eyes I sighed, I didn't want to answer that. Jasper, get a hold of yourself. Out of everyone you've ever met in your life this is the one person that will understand. Opening my eyes back up to his bright green ones waiting patiently for the answer I said “A cop found me. In the park. I was... naked. It was night. I didn't know... know... how to get home. He got me back to my parents.” My words came out stilted and awkward.

Edward squeezed my hand and had a look of understanding on his face. Gasping at him I said “That's why you became a doctor, isn't it?”

He looked away for a minute before bringing his eyes back to mine. “It's one of the reasons. My father is a surgeon. When I was younger I knew I wanted to be a doctor, just not which kind. I mean I could do family medicine, or something along those lines. When they brought me to the hospital I remember the doctor there being nice to me, helping me. My father doesn't see people like me unless they need surgery and that's all he does. He has very little contact with his patients otherwise. I didn't want that.” He told me, explaining to me, at least in part, as to why he was even here in this room in the first place. Edward staying here all night though I was sure was out of fear that I really would hurt myself while I was in here. Hmm... I wonder how long it will be until they send me to the psych ward. Surely I can't stay here forever. Actually I wanted to go home, get out of my misery, but I knew someone or something was going to stop me from getting my wish.

Alice interrupted us as she sing-songed “I come bearing gifts. Well, food, actually, but in a hospital it might as well be a gift.” Her laughter trilled and Edward's own lips quirked up at it.

“Now this just won't do.” She told us and I looked at her wondering what the fuck she was talking about. Alice removed the cards and the drawings and everything from the hospital tray. She turned around and started pulling things out of a basket I hadn't seen when she walked in. Throwing a small blue paper tablecloth over it she flattened it out.

Looking at Edward in wonderment I mouthed “What's all this?”

He looked like he was having a hard time keeping his laughter under control, any time now it was going to burst forth. He shrugged and stated “Alice.” I was right, she really was irritatingly chirpy.

Placing paper plates on the tray she pulled out some silverware that looked real except she looked at me sternly and said “These are plastic, no sharp objects in here.” Holy fuck, I wanted to roll my eyes at her, like I'd do anything like that with someone else in the room. That was personal, private, my own addiction I kept to myself, never sharing.

The next few items were food, magically appearing one by one. She brought grilled salmon, spinach salad, and chocolate cake. They looked like things a woman would eat, except in much larger portions. Looking at her kind of funny I had to ask “You brought me fish?” Who brings someone fish without even knowing if the other person likes it or not? I mean I did, but still...

Alice's eyes were bright as she tapped the side of her temple and said “It makes your brain happy. Actually all the food I brought makes your brain happy.” Edward couldn't hold in his laughter anymore, it was infectious.

“Alice... why all this? I mean you could have just brought something in a box.” I said waving to the spread before me.

She sighed and said “Because I wanted you to feel more normal, like eating at home. It took me a while to make all this stuff.”

I took in a sharp breath and said “You cooked for me.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Yeah. Why wouldn't I?” Alice asked confused. Because no one else would bother.

No one and I mean no one had ever done anything this nice for me, not unless you counted my parents, and I was a stranger to her. The tears threatened to flow, but I blinked them back and said “Thank you.”

She grinned brightly at me again and said “Okay, I'm going to take off, like I promised, you two behave yourselves.”

When she left us I turned to Edward and said “Your sister sure is something.”

He smiled a little sadly and said “I know, she's been my savior from my own insanity.”

Nodding my head I had no doubt that she was. Who could be miserable with someone like that always pulling you out of it?

Taking my first bite of food I nearly moaned out loud. It was delicious. It was the first food I thought I was probably going to manage to keep down after throwing up after the nightmare I'd had earlier this week. Closing my eyes I chewed it feeling ecstasy and let out a soft sigh. “I take it you like my sister's cooking then?” Snapping my eyes open Edward was looking at me amused.

“Yes.” I answered, wondering again how the hell I could be hungry if I wanted life to end.

We polished off our food and Edward cleared up the mess. He asked me “Why did you send Emmett back to work?” My stomach dropped. Fuck. I didn't want to think about it. My face must have shown panic because Edward said “It's okay, you don't have to talk about it now.” Breathing in deep I took a few calming breaths to slow my heart rate.

Edward switched to more neutral topics, things that weren't important, didn't matter, just something to fill the time and space. After a while my eyes drifted close, the anti-depressants they'd given me were making me sleepy. I couldn't wait to get out of this hospital and never take the damn things again. They would eventually make me numb, unfeeling, uncaring. I hated it.

Even in my sleep I couldn't get away, couldn't escape from my reality. Writing fiction had been it, that was the only thing that kept me somewhat sane, to be able to live in a world that wasn't real. I had stopped though, I didn't want to think about when I'd stopped or why, but my mind wouldn't let it go.

After my last failed relationship I never wanted to get that involved with someone, to get that close, to let them tear me down like that. As I didn't go to clubs or bars to stay away from my hell I rarely met anyone anyway. The times I did and I needed release it was always just to get off and leave, nothing more, nothing else. It was better if they didn't speak.

One day I took someone home, he was cute, had a nice easy smile, relaxed. I wanted that. Everything was fine in the beginning and even in the middle. He was fucking me and my body wanted it. Then he made the mistake of calling me baby. Having just met me he couldn't remember my name and most people would never have batted an eye at the term, but not me, never me. That man had screwed up, twisted, and warped my mind thoroughly.

When I heard it I started to panic, the bile rose in my throat and I shouted at him to stop. He pulled out of me and looked at me in shock. I knew what he was thinking, what the hell had he gotten himself into. “Go. Just... go.” I said and collapsed on my bed, knowing I was going to have more nightmares that night. Not wanting to involve himself in whatever fucked up mess my life was he got dressed and left quietly, leaving me to my thoughts and my razors. That was the very last time I had been with anyone.

Waking up sweating and needing a fix again I realized I'd stopped writing, not just because of my escape from reality, it helped me feel something, things I didn't want to feel, it was better to feel nothing. Looking around the room in a panic I realized where I was and that no relief was in sight anytime soon. Shit. I needed to see the blood, to feel the warmth, to feel the pain leave.

Edward was standing up looking at my face rubbing soothing circles on my hand with his thumb. I got the impression he would have hugged me if he thought I would allow it. I wasn't sure if I would or wouldn't either.

AN: You'll notice Jasper goes back and forth on wanting to feel and not wanting to feel. It's a common thing to go through. You want to feel, just not the pain of what you went through.

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Fifteen

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Fifteen

AN: So some of you guessed the colors pretty close, good for you. A chapter from Edward's point of view, a little less depressing.

Characters belong to SM

EPOV

Outside Jasper's room I heard the tinkling voice of my sister. What the fuck was Alice doing here? She shouldn't be here. There were privacy laws for a reason. Didn't she know that could cost me my job? I had to get rid of her. If Jasper didn't want her here that could cause a lot of trouble.

Then I heard Alice's voice float softly to me when she said “Your're the one, you're the one he killed for.” He didn't say anything to her at that. What did Jasper tell her? Other than me he hadn't told anyone a single thing about what he'd been through. How did she get that out of him?

“Yes, Alice, he's the one I killed for.” I told her and she spun round snapping her head up at me. “What are you doing here, Alice? What happened to Emmett?”

“I came by to see Jasper, he's Emmett's partner after all. As to why I'm still here, Jasper told Emmett to go back to work.” Alice told me. Why would he tell Emmett to leave? Fuck, was he just trying to get rid of him, so he could try and end it all again? This morning showed me just how much he still wanted to end his pain. I knew he had no intention of showing himself that vulnerable. It made me think he couldn't be out of anyone's sight for a long time.

Tightening my jaw in both anger and hurt I said “I'm done with my shift now, so... you can go home now.”

“What if I don't want to?” Alice pouted.

“Go, Alice. You shouldn't be here to begin with.” I commanded.

“Fine, I'll go, but I'm going to go get you some dinner first before I go home, if that's alright.” She told me.

“Okay, Alice, but bring enough back for Jasper and me, I promised him real food. He won't be getting any of that in here.” I said and Alice giggled.

Alice picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. She leaned over Jasper and whispered something I couldn't hear to him before leaving the room.

Taking the chair Alice left I glanced at the drawings on Jasper's tray. They made me want to cry, to see the hurt as plain as day on them. Swallowing hard to keep the tears at bay I took Jasper's hand. That had to be how he told my sister, I knew he still had trouble speaking the words. One day the words would have to come out of him though to someone. It would be hard, it would be tough, but it needed to be done. I might not have told Emmett, but I didn't keep it quiet from everyone. Jasper hadn't even really told me, he didn't need to, I'd seen it firsthand, experienced it.

Jasper looked more relaxed than I'd see him since he got here. Noticing the cards for the first time on the tray too I asked “Did you enjoy playing cards with my sister?”

Frowning at me Jasper said “I don't know if enjoyed is the right word. She kept me occupied.” Nodding at him I smiled in my head, she was good at that, she'd done the same to me. Sometimes I think she thought if she could distract you long enough from your depression then you'd forget. It worked for a while, but it always came rushing back.

Picking up the cards I shuffled them and dealt them out. Brow furrowed Jasper said “Do we have to play that again? That game took forever.”

“Jasper, are you telling me you have somewhere else to be?” I asked him and he looked up at me and burst into laughter. What was so funny? His laughter was beautiful, catching, he should do it more often.

“Alice said the same exact thing to me today.” He explained still chuckling. I laughed too. If you lived with someone long enough you tended to pick up their traits.

Deciding which cards could be laid down I said “Jasper, I don't know anything about you, other than... you know. What kinds of things do you like to do?” I asked him this, hoping he could trade his addiction for the razors to another healthier one.

Biting his lip in a nervous gesture that made me want to kiss them Jasper said “Promise not to laugh?” I nodded my head. I couldn't speak. Why would I even think about kissing Jasper now? Even if I did do that someday he'd probably freak out, I still hadn't forgotten his dream he'd had.

“I like to write.” He stated.

Looking at him curiously I tried to bring myself to the here and now and asked “You like to write what?” Then why hadn't he written anything, why had he drawn on the pages?

He closed his eyes and sighed saying “I like to write fiction. Anything to forget...” Ahh, so he didn't want to face the cold, hard truth of reality. I got it, I really did.

Attempting to change the subject from the pain I asked “Do you write often?”

Jasper furrowed his brow and bit his lip again. Damn, that sight still made me want to kiss his lips. I had to look away. “Actually, I haven't written anything in a long time.” He admitted.

Turning my eyes back to his blue ones, the color of a steely blue stormy sky I said “Then you should start back up again.” If he could write even about fiction maybe it would release some of the pain he had, would get it out on paper instead of in blood.

Sighing he stated in a small voice “I know.”

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Fourteen

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Fourteen

Characters belong to SM, my story

JPOV

“Alice?” I asked and watched her wipe her tears away.

“Yeah?” She asked back before sitting in the chair Emmett relinquished.

“Did Emmett tell you why I was here?” I questioned her. Emmett could have told her anything, anything from me trying to committ suicide to my whole past that was so similar to Edward's. The tears in her eyes when I cringed at her made me think that she knew.

“Jasper, he only told me his partner tried to kill himself, that he found you.” Alice told me.

Huh? Emmett managed to keep his mouth shut? That was shocking. Looking to the ceiling I contemplated that and if she'd ever know how close Edward and I really were, even if it was just by that psychotic man.

When I looked back at her she'd arranged cards on the hospital tray on one side and the crayons and pad of paper on the other. Did she really expect me to color? That was stupid, I was a grown man. What the hell did I need that for?

Dealing out the cards Alice asked “Do you know how to play this game?” Looking down at the cards I wondered what in hell cards were those.

“Uh, no. Never seen those before in my life.” I answered her.

“These are Phase Ten cards, so ten phases to win.” She explained.

“Um, Alice, just how long is the game going to take?” I didn't know if I could concentrate on something that long right now.

“It'll be a while, since we aren't playing in teams. Are you really telling me you have somewhere else to be?” Alice asked. Yeah, not here. I wanted to be dead, remember? I didn't say that though, I just shook my head and let her explain the rules.

Once we started playing Alice wouldn't stop talking, she talked incessantly about the most mundane, boring things I'd ever heard. Why was she torturing me this way? My body and my mind started to relax under the nothingness of those things. They weren't important, so I could finally let go, somewhat.

About halfway through playing I realized my hands were no longer idle, that I'd been drawing the entire time. When I looked down at what was on the page before me I gasped. Why the hell would I draw that? I couldn't draw very well, but I knew what was represented there.

Lying down on the bottom of the page was an image of a man, in outline only, hollow, in blue. Above him was another solid figure, in black, mouth open wide, and laughing. Around them was congealed dark, nearly black, blood, blood everywhere. The top of the page had in one corner a large, looming deep red figure, that one was trying to pull the black figure off of me. The other corner had a figure in gold, this one with deep emerald green eyes. That one wasn't trying to pull the black figure from me, it was trying to pull me out from under it and away. It didn't take a genius to figure out who they were or what they all meant.

Alice had stopped speaking when I gasped, but I hadn't realized it. She smiled to herself and grasped my hand. I tried to pull it away, she only held on tighter. “Jasper, that's really good, try to get it all out there and out of you.” What? She was looking down at the paper. Oh. “Can you do another one?” She asked me. I never realized I'd started the first one until it was done.

Shrugging at her I said “Maybe.”

She let go of my hand then and said “Your turn.” Blindly putting a card down I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't think I ever understood the rules to this game and as my mind was clearly elsewhere hadn't been paying attention.

We continued playing the game until I heard Alice whisper “Oh my god.” What? She was looking down at the new paper I'd drawn on. This one had a small figure in it, marked with a J. There was a huge monster standing behind it with a knife in its hand, dripping in blood. I wanted to cry.

Alice looked at me and breathed “Jasper?” She was looking at the paper with tears rolling down her cheeks. “That's why Edward stayed.” She stated, not asking. I nodded at her. “Jasper, I knew something like that happened to you too, it's not hard to spot, but this....”

Her green eyes lifted to mine as she said “You're the one, you're the one he killed for.” I didn't know what to say to her in repsonse.

“Yes, Alice, he's the one I killed for.” Said Edward's similarly melodic, but deeper voice. She spun around on her chair and my head snapped up. “What are you doing here, Alice? What happened to Emmett?”

“I came by to see Jasper, he's Emmett's partner after all. As to why I'm still here, Jasper told Emmett to go back to work.” Alice defended.

Edward's jaw tightened before he said “I'm done with my shift now, so... you can go home now.”

“What if I don't want to?” Alice pouted.

“Go, Alice. You shouldn't be here to begin with.” He commanded.

“Fine, I'll go, but I'm going to go get you some dinner first before I go home, if that's alright.” She told him.

“Okay, Alice, but bring enough back for Jasper and me, I promised him real food. He won't be getting any of that in here.” Edward said and Alice giggled.

Alice picked up her bag that was half empty now and slung it over her shoulder. Before she left my side she whispered “It doesn't have to be this way, look at Edward.” I knew that it didn't, it didn't stop the way I felt.

Edward took the chair Alice was in and glanced at the papers I had drawn. He swallowed hard a few times and took my hand, I didn't even try to pull back from him.

Without even realizing it Alice had made me relax enough to tell her my story, in a way, it was more than Dr. Swan had managed to accomplish.

AN: I'm wondering who actually knows the significance of the colors.