Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Sixteen

Scars and Nightmares Chapter Sixteen

Characters belong to SM, story is still unfortunately mine.

JPOV

Our conversation got quiet after I admitted that I needed to get back to writing. I didn't want to think about the reason I'd stopped, it would only fuck me up in the head once again.

After a while Edward asked me “Do you like being a cop?” God, I hoped this didn't turn into an interrogation. How was I supposed to answer that question?

“Do I like being a cop?” I asked out loud to gather my thoughts. “Do I like the fact that the world needs people like me in it? Do I like the fact that the world is a cruel place that people like me have to exist in it to keep it in order? No, I hate that fact altogether. I wish there was no need for that job, at all.” It was the truth. People like me shouldn't have to be around to protect people, people should do the right thing in the first damn place. They didn't.

Edward looked thoughtful as he asked “Then why do you do it?”

Closing my eyes I sighed, I didn't want to answer that. Jasper, get a hold of yourself. Out of everyone you've ever met in your life this is the one person that will understand. Opening my eyes back up to his bright green ones waiting patiently for the answer I said “A cop found me. In the park. I was... naked. It was night. I didn't know... know... how to get home. He got me back to my parents.” My words came out stilted and awkward.

Edward squeezed my hand and had a look of understanding on his face. Gasping at him I said “That's why you became a doctor, isn't it?”

He looked away for a minute before bringing his eyes back to mine. “It's one of the reasons. My father is a surgeon. When I was younger I knew I wanted to be a doctor, just not which kind. I mean I could do family medicine, or something along those lines. When they brought me to the hospital I remember the doctor there being nice to me, helping me. My father doesn't see people like me unless they need surgery and that's all he does. He has very little contact with his patients otherwise. I didn't want that.” He told me, explaining to me, at least in part, as to why he was even here in this room in the first place. Edward staying here all night though I was sure was out of fear that I really would hurt myself while I was in here. Hmm... I wonder how long it will be until they send me to the psych ward. Surely I can't stay here forever. Actually I wanted to go home, get out of my misery, but I knew someone or something was going to stop me from getting my wish.

Alice interrupted us as she sing-songed “I come bearing gifts. Well, food, actually, but in a hospital it might as well be a gift.” Her laughter trilled and Edward's own lips quirked up at it.

“Now this just won't do.” She told us and I looked at her wondering what the fuck she was talking about. Alice removed the cards and the drawings and everything from the hospital tray. She turned around and started pulling things out of a basket I hadn't seen when she walked in. Throwing a small blue paper tablecloth over it she flattened it out.

Looking at Edward in wonderment I mouthed “What's all this?”

He looked like he was having a hard time keeping his laughter under control, any time now it was going to burst forth. He shrugged and stated “Alice.” I was right, she really was irritatingly chirpy.

Placing paper plates on the tray she pulled out some silverware that looked real except she looked at me sternly and said “These are plastic, no sharp objects in here.” Holy fuck, I wanted to roll my eyes at her, like I'd do anything like that with someone else in the room. That was personal, private, my own addiction I kept to myself, never sharing.

The next few items were food, magically appearing one by one. She brought grilled salmon, spinach salad, and chocolate cake. They looked like things a woman would eat, except in much larger portions. Looking at her kind of funny I had to ask “You brought me fish?” Who brings someone fish without even knowing if the other person likes it or not? I mean I did, but still...

Alice's eyes were bright as she tapped the side of her temple and said “It makes your brain happy. Actually all the food I brought makes your brain happy.” Edward couldn't hold in his laughter anymore, it was infectious.

“Alice... why all this? I mean you could have just brought something in a box.” I said waving to the spread before me.

She sighed and said “Because I wanted you to feel more normal, like eating at home. It took me a while to make all this stuff.”

I took in a sharp breath and said “You cooked for me.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Yeah. Why wouldn't I?” Alice asked confused. Because no one else would bother.

No one and I mean no one had ever done anything this nice for me, not unless you counted my parents, and I was a stranger to her. The tears threatened to flow, but I blinked them back and said “Thank you.”

She grinned brightly at me again and said “Okay, I'm going to take off, like I promised, you two behave yourselves.”

When she left us I turned to Edward and said “Your sister sure is something.”

He smiled a little sadly and said “I know, she's been my savior from my own insanity.”

Nodding my head I had no doubt that she was. Who could be miserable with someone like that always pulling you out of it?

Taking my first bite of food I nearly moaned out loud. It was delicious. It was the first food I thought I was probably going to manage to keep down after throwing up after the nightmare I'd had earlier this week. Closing my eyes I chewed it feeling ecstasy and let out a soft sigh. “I take it you like my sister's cooking then?” Snapping my eyes open Edward was looking at me amused.

“Yes.” I answered, wondering again how the hell I could be hungry if I wanted life to end.

We polished off our food and Edward cleared up the mess. He asked me “Why did you send Emmett back to work?” My stomach dropped. Fuck. I didn't want to think about it. My face must have shown panic because Edward said “It's okay, you don't have to talk about it now.” Breathing in deep I took a few calming breaths to slow my heart rate.

Edward switched to more neutral topics, things that weren't important, didn't matter, just something to fill the time and space. After a while my eyes drifted close, the anti-depressants they'd given me were making me sleepy. I couldn't wait to get out of this hospital and never take the damn things again. They would eventually make me numb, unfeeling, uncaring. I hated it.

Even in my sleep I couldn't get away, couldn't escape from my reality. Writing fiction had been it, that was the only thing that kept me somewhat sane, to be able to live in a world that wasn't real. I had stopped though, I didn't want to think about when I'd stopped or why, but my mind wouldn't let it go.

After my last failed relationship I never wanted to get that involved with someone, to get that close, to let them tear me down like that. As I didn't go to clubs or bars to stay away from my hell I rarely met anyone anyway. The times I did and I needed release it was always just to get off and leave, nothing more, nothing else. It was better if they didn't speak.

One day I took someone home, he was cute, had a nice easy smile, relaxed. I wanted that. Everything was fine in the beginning and even in the middle. He was fucking me and my body wanted it. Then he made the mistake of calling me baby. Having just met me he couldn't remember my name and most people would never have batted an eye at the term, but not me, never me. That man had screwed up, twisted, and warped my mind thoroughly.

When I heard it I started to panic, the bile rose in my throat and I shouted at him to stop. He pulled out of me and looked at me in shock. I knew what he was thinking, what the hell had he gotten himself into. “Go. Just... go.” I said and collapsed on my bed, knowing I was going to have more nightmares that night. Not wanting to involve himself in whatever fucked up mess my life was he got dressed and left quietly, leaving me to my thoughts and my razors. That was the very last time I had been with anyone.

Waking up sweating and needing a fix again I realized I'd stopped writing, not just because of my escape from reality, it helped me feel something, things I didn't want to feel, it was better to feel nothing. Looking around the room in a panic I realized where I was and that no relief was in sight anytime soon. Shit. I needed to see the blood, to feel the warmth, to feel the pain leave.

Edward was standing up looking at my face rubbing soothing circles on my hand with his thumb. I got the impression he would have hugged me if he thought I would allow it. I wasn't sure if I would or wouldn't either.

AN: You'll notice Jasper goes back and forth on wanting to feel and not wanting to feel. It's a common thing to go through. You want to feel, just not the pain of what you went through.