Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty

AN: I hope this chapter answers some questions a few of you have been asking me about. There really isn't much dialogue here and it's short, but it needed to end here for what I have planned next, it won't flow right.

Characters belong to SM, sad story still mine.

JPOV

The man spoke in my ear, whispering, pleading, commanding me to hate myself, my life, anyone that loved me but him. He was the only one allowed to love me, and made sure that no one else ever could, thoroughly mind-fucking me. I'd given myself over to him willingly, so in his mind he won, he owned me now. He wasn't wrong there, I did hate myself, I never let others love me. The only thing he got wrong is that I never, would never, could never love him. The thought made me violently ill.

I don't know when I finally fell asleep, between all the guilt and all the other shit that felt like it had been attacking me I don't know how I slept at all, but I did. Waking up I thought I was alone in the room, for the first time I didn't want to be. My hands were up pulling the covers tightly to me, it was fucking freezing in here. Then I made out the silhouette in the chair, Edward. Only the chair seemed to be much closer to the bed than previously. Shit, I hadn't scared him off? How was that possible? If it was me and I was fairly mentally stable I'd probably run from someone like me, that's what others had done to me in my past, they never could deal with it, even the ones that thought they could.

The first time I had sex with someone it was a friend of mine. I'd tried with others and... well... the end result was the same, I always froze up. Seduction leading straight from logic to nightmare. Unable to trust anyone, trust them enough not to hurt me... was difficult for me and for them. Trying again and again I just decided it wasn't worth it anymore and just be alone and lonely for the rest of my life. My friend is the one that suggested it, I certainly didn't bring it up. I thought he was crazy, we weren't exactly interested in each other. He was tired of me being unhappy and alone because of it. He knew somewhat what happened to me, but not really the details of it, I kept that to myself.

Laughing hard when my friend suggested we have sex I nearly fell off the couch we were on. “Are you insane?” I asked, wiping tears of laughter off my face. That was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard, he knew I couldn't and hadn't been able to have sex with anyone. I always panicked before we got too far into it.

Frowning at me he said “No, I'm not insane and I'm completely serious. Jasper, you are a grown man and at this rate you will never have sex with anyone, you won't even try anymore.”

“Yeah, but... I don't think I can handle freaking out one more time or scaring the other person away. No, just no. Not anymore.” By this time I was pleading with him to understand, to leave me alone. Fuck, if we tried anything and I freaked then I was sure I'd lose him as a friend too, it happened too often like that.

“You won't scare me away. You can say no, I'll stop whenever you want me too, I won't push it. I just... want you to be happy, with someone, anyone and it doesn't seem like you are going to be if you don't get over your fears.” His tone was serious as he spoke and I sucked in a heavy breath, I still kind of thought he was joking, no such luck. “It doesn't have to be today, but I want you to know I'll be here if you change your mind.”

Nodding my head I didn't think I'd ever do anything with him. That is, until I met someone else I found extremely attractive and really liked and wanted to make it work despite my previous failed attempts. I managed to fuck it up again. Coming back to my friend later I asked him if the offer still stood. Smiling at me he said “Of course, come on in.”

He was gentle, caring, watching to make sure I wasn't losing it, closing myself off. Why couldn't we like each other as more? It sure as hell would make life easier. We never did, but his care and his time he spent with me made me realize I could be with someone, that I could have sex without that man's face constantly in my mind like before.

Shaking myself out of that reverie I wondered what brought it on. Turning my head I saw Edward still silent, eyes closed, in the chair. I didn't know if he was actually asleep or not. He was the one that brought that memory to the surface I knew, my attraction to him. Damn it, if I wasn't mistaken he was attracted to me as well. What would happen to him if I finally couldn't hold it together, if I gave up? Would that make him give up? He'd had four failed attempts at ending his life, would he do it again? I could already see we were becoming close enough that anything we did would affect the other. Shit, how did that happen? We hadn't known each other but a couple of days.

Finally getting angry, angry at myself, angry at that man, I hit my fist on the bed hard and sat straight up. No, that man couldn't have me, he wouldn't destroy my life. My guilt and shame I'd just have to deal with, my pain, he wasn't going to win. I won't let you win, do you hear me?

Right now I really wanted to punch something, get my frustration and anger out. It took me a few minutes to realize I wasn't wanting to cut myself open first. That was new. I wondered how long that would last, it always came back to me.

Startled Edward sat up and blinked at me. At first he seemed to be confused as to where he was, until his eyes adjusted in the dim light. “Jasper? What are you doing awake?” He whispered to me in the quiet night.

When I looked at him I felt a burning desire to get better, to get well, for him. That wasn't feasible, I couldn't get better for him, I had to get better for me first. But, my eyes blazed, I wouldn't want his death on my hands, for it to be my fault that he died if I took mine. According to him one life had already been taken weirdly because of me, because he was most angered by the video of me and my innocence. Snorting at myself I didn't feel innocent, I still felt dirty, even then.

Holding out my hand to him it was the first time I'd initiated any physical connection with anyone in a long time. Although he'd held my hand, he took it, not the other way around. Edward's look of surprise quickly changed to a slight smile as he squeezed my hand back. We didn't say anything the rest of the night, we didn't need to, I think we understood each other already.