Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Seventeen

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Seventeen

AN: This chapters is a little short, but frankly hard to take. There isn't much relief in this one, sorry guys.

Characters belong to SM, my story

JPOV

Never in my life did I want someone to hug me as much as I did now, but fear kept me from doing it or asking for it. I needed the comfort, but... what if it just brought out more nightmares? Something black and soulless was grasping my ankle tightly pulling me down, the more I resisted the more it scrabbled for me.

“Jasper, are you okay?” Edward's voice was soft in the dim light.

Gulping I tried to push away the dream. Nightmares screaming out their desperate pleas. If I could not remember, not feel, then I wouldn't need the pain to end, wouldn't need to look for another outlet to cut myself. Although I couldn't think of anything else that would make me happier right at that moment. Edward's presence was the only thing that stopped me from doing it. He was the epitome of everything I wanted to be, the epitome of everything I hoped to be.

Five minutes passed before I even remembered he'd asked me a question. Looking up at him I let out a shaky breath and answered “Yeah...” Closing my eyes to shut off the world, the sounds, Edward's even breathing, the buzzing of the overhead lights in the hallway, I let the memory overtake me, let me relive that hell. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it, it was there and now I apparently had to deal with it before it went away. I couldn't. How could I deal with that one memory when I couldn't deal with the bigger one, the one that caused that to turn out so badly in the first place?

Laughter, unpleasant, haunting laughter came down the hall. It sounded so much like that man's maniacal laughter that I shot up and out of bed, panting, looking around in terror.

I was only remotely aware of Edward moving beside me. I was transported, back to being six again, back to that nightmare. The man... James... was laughing and... touching me... The whole thing played out in my head like a movie that I wanted to walk away from, but couldn't.

This time I wasn't in front of the camera. Apparently one recording of the first time and the terror he inflicted was good enough for him, but that didn't mean it stopped. He had already used me, what more did he want from me? “Let me go home, please...” I begged him crying.

“No.” Then he caressed my cheek and pushed back my hair as though in a loving manner, something my mother did to me. That only made me cry harder. “Baby, you are mine.” He whispered to me and touched me where he'd carved his initial into my flesh. “You'll always belong to me, baby.”

Glaring at him full of hatred I told him “I'm not your baby.”

His laugh was maniacal and frightening. “Yes, you are. No matter where you go, I will be there, you'll take me with you the rest of your life, baby.”

Then he pushed me down on the bed and repeatedly thrust into me whispering over and over “I love you, baby.”

The touch on my shoulder brought me back to the present and I elbowed Edward in the gut so hard I knocked the breathe out of him. Turning around I nearly punched him until I realized who he was and where I was and that I was a grown man, not a six year old that couldn't fight back.

Instead of asking him if he was alright, I sank to the cold tile floor and laid my head on it, anything to get the pressure to stop, to bring me back to real time. The cries of the wounded and frightened haunted me, they kept repeating what I'd seen on those tapes. My tears ran hot down my face. Why couldn't they just let me end my pain? It could all be over if they'd just let me go. I wouldn't fail next time, I wouldn't.

As that thought ran through my head the nameless, faceless, soulless creature was no longer scrabbling for me, it was holding on tight. I was in its clutches and couldn't break free.

“Jasper?” Edward called out, he must have been screaming. When I looked up at him his face was red and his voice hoarse like he'd been screaming my name over and over again. He hadn't made an attempt to shake me or touch me to acknowledge him. That was probably better, I had no idea what I'd do if he did.

Closing my eyes again I laid it back on the cold tile that was a relief to the heat on my face. That wasn't the first time I'd had a flashback, but it had to be one of the most memorable and soul-shattering for me. No wonder people couldn't call me baby. I knew he had, but I didn't remember this part. That entire scene I'd completely blocked out from my mind, now it did nothing but echo.

Edward sat down on the floor beside me and waited patiently so I could pull myself together, this time I wasn't sure I ever would. “Jasper? It's okay now. Whatever happened is in the past, that man can't hurt you anymore if you don't let him.” Slowly I opened my eyes to look at him, but without lifting my head. “He has power over you because you've given it to him, Jasper. Take your power back, fight for it.” The soulless thing clutching at me didn't like his words at all, its grip was loosening.

Sitting up finally I looked at Edward and said “I don't know how.”

Reaching out one hand towards me Edward very carefully picked up my hands and turned it over showing me the inside of my arms. The wounds were starting to heal, but they were still there, still red. “Jasper, it won't be easy. It will probably be the most difficult thing you've ever done in your life, to continue pushing forward, living after what was done to you is not easy and never will be.” Then tracing his finger over the cuts he said “Don't give him the power or the satisfaction of taking your life. You have the power there, it's all in your hands. Now you must decide what you are going to do with it. Talk about it, get better, fight. Or be weak and end it all and throw life away for a subhuman.”

His speech was passionate, but at subhuman I almost laughed, almost. The atmosphere wasn't really inviting to laughter, especially since that's what triggered that memory in the first damn place.

Pulling away from him I put my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. There was a silent war waging in my head. The black soulless thing.... wanted me to join it. The gold creature was fighting it and me to keep me in the light. Whatever happened I just wanted the pain to end.

AN: I seriously considered expounding on his flashback, but decided against it. That would just be too much.