Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Nineteen

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Nineteen

AN: Today I feel sad as so many of you have had to endure something similar to this, like me, it shouldn't be this way.

Characters belong to SM, story is mine.

JPOV

Edward helped me off the floor and back into the hospital bed, the plastic underneath made me hot and sweaty and did not help my mood at all. He resumed holding my hand and I couldn't help but think of my mother's hand in mine. Only she was in the hospital bed, hair all gone, no fight left in her anymore. Smiling weakly at me she told me “I love you, Jasper. Always remember that. When I'm gone I want you to keep living, find love, be happy, don't let the things in your life tear you down.” Choking back sobs then, I choked them back now. My mother passed away not even a day later. I felt like I was letting her down right now, but I just couldn't help it, my mind was so thoroughly infected I didn't know how to remove it.

Lifting my eyes to Edward's bright green ones I heard his breath catch, I wondered what that was about. “The last person to ever hold my hand other than you and Alice was my mother before she died.” I still choked back my sobs, as much as I could, but I was sure I wasn't successful. Edward was silent, but squeezed my hand tighter in acknowledgment that he heard me.

This connection I felt with him was the first of its kind and I had no idea what to do with it. My mind was still conflicted and battling every second on what I should do. In shame the tears I'd been holding back flowed silently down my face. Fuck, why couldn't I be stronger? Edward wasn't a basket case, so why would I be? It seemed to me that what he'd been through was worse, so how could he be okay and yet I wasn't? “This is stupid, I shouldn't be crying.”

“It's not stupid, you've dealt with a lot of shit. It's not stupid.” He told me firmly.

Closing my eyes I blew out my breath. What would I tell him? Should I tell him? It had to be better than talking to the counselor that I absolutely hated with a passion or anyone else that would look at me with pity in their eyes and offer me ridiculous platitudes that frankly only served to make me feel worse.

Coming to a decision I opened my eyes and whispered “It was the laughter.”

Surprise showed on his face as he asked curiously “Whose laughter?”

“That man's, someone else in the hall reminded me of it.” I stated. I saw the flicker of recognition in his eyes, he remembered it too. “I just remembered why I don't like it when people call me... b... ba... baby.” I stuttered, afraid the word would set me back again. The word terrified me in a way that was completely irrational, but made my skin crawl when I heard it.

“It's okay, Jasper, you don't have to tell me anything else.” He soothed. What? NO! If there was any hope of me getting better, living up to what my mother wanted then I knew he was the only one that could help me out of this.

“No, I want to. I don't know anyone else I can even tell this stuff to.” I pleaded with him to listen, he nodded his head. Recalling the nightmare was hard and so was the flashback, but Edward listened to what I said. He didn't offer advice, just let me get it out, while actually listening to me, instead of closing himself off.

The longer I spoke, the more about my time I remembered, things I didn't want to remember. Near the end of my stay with that man I'd stopped arguing, resisting, or crying. I let him touch me, it was easier and less painful. I never thought I'd see my home or my parents again, that this would be my life permanently and I didn't want to feel the pain anymore. Shame and guilt hit me then, why wouldn't I fight back? Why would I let him do that to me? It hurt me to think I might have even allowed it. I felt dead inside, drowning in the moment.

The whole thing made me feel sick and disgusting, like I'd never be clean again. Not even the rain could make me clean. My breathing was heavy and panicked. I let him touch me? Horrified by the thought I started shaking and sweating and this time... this time... I needed the pain, I needed to feel pain, I deserved it. I wanted to split my skin, to bleed again. Why would I let him touch me? Why? Just so I didn't have to feel the pain anymore. I was sick and needed to be punished. The black soulless thing was laughing maniacally now and holding on so tightly I had no air, wanting me to join in its madness.

No longer seeing the room I was in I sat up and looked around frantically, my peripheral vision was starting to turn black. I felt arms around me, I tried to shake them off. They were pulling me back to reality, I didn't want reality, it hurt too much there.

A frightened voice broke through my thoughts “Jasper? Jasper? Please come back to me.” Gulping deep breaths, I finally made it back, back to the room, back to Edward. Edward, that had his arms around me, holding me, begging me to come back, begging me to stay, not to let him win.

That only made me cry harder, I don't think I'd ever cried this hard in my entire life, too many memories bombarding me all at once. Edward never allowed that man to touch him, he fought him every step of the way. Why couldn't I do that?

I had no idea how much time had passed, but I eventually calmed down enough that I could see properly and speak.

“Jasper, what happened? Where did you go?” Edward asked me, his own voice quivering in terror.

Swallowing I looked away, could I really admit to him what was bothering me? He looked like he was desperate to help me. I didn't want to be lonely in my own skin anymore and this was the only person that I'd met that could understand.

Looking back at him I realized he was standing beside the bed, but his arms were still around me as though they were desperately trying to keep me grounded to the now. Well... at least I didn't freak out over that, like I was afraid I would.

“I... I remembered.” I stated unsure how much more I could get out. “Edward, I...” Choking on sobs again. God damn, I was sick of crying.

“It's okay, whatever it is.” His voice was soft and mellow as it floated in the room.

“I... at the end... I let him touch me. It hurt less. Why would I let that monster touch me?” My voice stammered in the beginning ending in a shout. I was angry, ashamed and guilty.

“Jasper, listen to me. You were only six and scared and innocent. It was probably because you didn't fight him that he let you go.” He told me and then gave a bitter laugh. “Maybe if I had been the same I would have gotten out faster or more easily, but I couldn't. I was too old when he took me and after watching all those boys too angry.”

“Don't be ashamed of that, never be ashamed of it. That's what got you out.” Edward's voice was firm, with no room for argument. It helped calm my mind down to think of things that way, but it didn't make me feel any better about it. The shame and guilt remained.