Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Eight

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Eight

Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer's, my story is my own.

JPOV

Edward stood in the doorway to the bathroom, a look of concern pasted on his face. “I'm sorry if I said something I shouldn't.” He said to me. I wasn't sure if it's what he said or the food that had gotten to me, possibly both.

Breathing heavily, I gasped out “No, it's okay. It's just... I don't like remembering those things.” My body was shaky as I made my way back toward him and toward the bed. He put his hand on my arm trying to keep me steady as I got back to the bed. I guess therapy helped me somewhat then. I'd never have been able to allow anyone to touch me for a long time. My parents couldn't even hug me or I'd start crying or screaming. It took a few years before I allowed it or anyone to touch me even in the most platonic way.

Edward sat back down in the chair and didn't speak, as though he was afraid he'd already gone too far. I couldn't talk to him, I didn't want to. The day had already been too stressful. Putting my earphones in I turned my iPod on and tried to concentrate on the notes as I closed my eyes, intent on sleeping my pain away. Just like the rest of my life I wasn't that lucky. I knew I was dreaming, at first it was a good dream, but... then my dream had to go down that road, my mind wouldn't let me have one good one. I was beyond frustrated. There was no escape even in my dreams, none.

Edward and I were at my apartment, in my bedroom to be exact. We were kissing in the dream, our hands touching each other everywhere, clothes were being removed. I wanted this man in front of me, so much. The connection we shared in the dream went deeper than our pasts. Then he spun me around and had his chest to my back, his lips on my neck. His cock was pressed against my ass and I moaned out in pleasure. Edward nipped up to my ear and said “Baby, let me make you feel good.” It was at that point that I was no longer the grown man I was. On the outside I was, on the inside I was my six year old self. Edward was no longer a victim, no longer the killer of our predator, he was the predator himself.

I was being shaken awake by something. Tears flowed down my cheeks to the pillow. No, no, no. Sitting up abruptly in bed I took a shaky breath. “Are you okay?” Edward asked me. No, I was not okay. This would never be okay. How could I want someone so much and then dream that? If I ever tried anything with Edward would I have something like that happen to me again? It was better not to find out. The shadow would always be there, lurking, laughing at me. The man had poisoned me, every part of me, just as I was sure he'd done to Edward. I would give anything for someone to suck the poison out. Lying back down in my bed I muttered in my head 'It was just a dream, just a dream. He's not here, he's gone, he can't hurt me. Edward killed him, he's not here.' Then my mind went to muttering about 'I can't believe he has a normal life. I don't.'

Somewhere to the side of me Edward snorted and questioned “You think I have a normal life?” Shit, had I said that out loud?

Peeking at him I said “It's more normal than mine. I don't see you in here.”

Sitting back down in the chair next to my bed Edward took my hand in his. I was surprised I didn't snatch it away, especially after a dream like that. Then he said “I worked hard to be this normal. My sister lives with me and says she always will until I have someone to else to live with. She's terrified that I'll try killing myself again. I haven't tried anything in a long time, but four failed attempts warrants her distrust. She was the one that found me, every time.” I gasped. Four failed attempts?

Edward closed his eyes and taking a shaky breath said “What were you dreaming about anyway? I heard my name in there.” I could feel my face turn hot and looked away from his gaze, not wanting to say, too embarrassed and mortified to. I didn't know if it was over the fact that it was a sex dream I started out with or that I had turned him into the monster.

“Jasper, you might as well tell me. I could hear you talking in your sleep, I already know I was in it and you turned me into that man.” Edward told me. He knew far too much for my liking, but I told him the rest of the dream anyway. Looking at me as though he was making a promise, a promise he wouldn't break he said “Jasper, let me tell you one thing. I will never call you baby, no matter what happens or doesn't in our time together.” Then his gaze became more intense as he said “I saw the video, I know that's what he called you.”

Gasping I asked “You saw it? Why? How?”

Closing his eyes he nodded and took a deep breath, this time his hand trembled in mine and I felt like I should comfort him. “He... made me watch them. All of them. He made me watch a tape while touching me right before he raped me, then he repeated it over again with a new one.” Opening his eyes he looked right at me and said “You're the reason I killed him, it was your video that broke my heart, made me angrier than I already was. How could he do that? You were so young, younger than the others. I wanted to hold you, keep you safe from that man, but I couldn't. Killing him was the only way I could do that.” My eyes filled with more tears as I thought about what it must have cost him to not only be raped that many times, but to have killed someone on top of it.

My voice hitched as I said in a whisper “Yours was the one that got to me the most, too.”

We didn't speak for a while, both lost in our thoughts. He didn't let go of my hand though and I let mine remain in his. Looking at it, it was a revelation to me. I didn't hold hands, with anyone, ever. The fact that I didn't pull away was powerful. I didn't know if it was because we did share a past that I wished we didn't, or if I truly liked him. This was a bad idea, I still had every intention of ending my life, but I just couldn't let him go.

Out of the silence in the room Edward's voice suddenly broke it, I jumped as he said “I was twelve.”

Confused for a minute I asked “What?”

“When he took me I was twelve.” Edward answered.

“I was six when he took me. You didn't look like you were twelve.” I commented.

“Well, I was still twelve, even though I looked younger than I was.” He replied, he wasn't looking at me, instead keeping his focus on the ceiling.

Sitting up straight in the bed I asked “Edward, did you know you were gay before or after?” I wasn't sure he'd answer such a personal question, but I had to know. My own life left too many questions on the subject.

Glancing back at my face he answered “Before. I always wondered if that is why he took me, like he already knew.” I squeezed his hand, he had been just as confused as I was. It was comforting.

The silence stretched on into the night. Eventually I fell asleep, this time without nightmares. When my eyes fluttered open again I could see the outline of Edward in the chair. The light had been turned off and he had a blanket over him, but his hand was still in mine, warming me. Studying his face as he dozed he looked more at peace now than yesterday. I wondered if I was as well. Blowing out my breath I sighed, it didn't matter.

Edward stirred awake at my noise and smiled sleepily. Blinking a few times he cleared his throat and found his voice, something I neglected to find and said “Good morning. Are you feeling better today?”

No sound came forth when I tried to answer. I did feel better, but not enough that I didn't want to kill myself. The thought was still there. Edward's lips pressed into a firm line and he nodded his head, as though he knew exactly how I felt. He probably did.

Letting my hand go he went into the bathroom to wash his face and put his hair into some semblance of order. When he came back out he said “I've got to get back to work, Jasper. I'll check on you again later. I'm sure Emmett will be by any minute now.” Then he walked out of the room. I still hadn't found my voice and now my hand was cold and hollow, just like the rest of me.