Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty-two

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty-two

AN: I want to take a moment to say I'm so proud of some of you for taking that extra step to heal because of this story. It isn't easy, it's not a fun read, but it must be said.

EPOV

Jasper had made so much progress during the night I was shocked. The fact that he was finally able to tell someone what had happened to him, and really tell them, not leave shit out, was the best gift he could have given himself. Even though I didn't want to hear it as it made me remember my own past I was proud of him for finally letting that obstacle go.

Jasper's fist hitting the bed woke me up and startled me, it took me a few minutes to understand what he'd done. He'd found his anger, something I don't think he'd gotten before now. This was what he needed, he'd never get better without the anger and fury, directed at the right person. So far he'd been feeling guilt and shame and thought he deserved all the pain both given to him and put upon by his own self. That was something I understood all too well.

Alice was screaming at me “Edward!” Unable to really pay attention to what was going on I heard her fluttering around and on the phone. She'd called both the paramedics and the poison control center. This was the fourth time I'd nearly been successful at taking my life. I had tried other times than those, but they never had the intended effect. However, this day I don't remember thinking that I wanted to kill myself, what I wanted was to make myself clean again.

Lying on the kitchen floor I had a bottle of bleach beside me. That night I had a horrible nightmare in which that man had killed me, it was my blood everywhere, not his. He stood over me laughing and said “I own you, you are dead now.” Waking up scared and horrified I stumbled into the bathroom vomiting. The dream was horrid, I hadn't had a nightmare in a long time, but this day my mind couldn't let me rest. That scenario could easily have happened if the man hadn't been dumb enough to put his knife down and I hadn't been angry enough to use it on him.

All I could remember is feeling sick from the pain, the feel of that man, the smell of him, the blood... so much blood. Somehow I'd ended up in the kitchen reaching under the counter to try to make myself clean. I felt dirty and gross and infected on the inside, both physically and mentally. What made me pick up the bleach I had no idea, but I did, it was disgusting. Downing it in large gulps I hoped to cleanse my mind, my body, to end it all. I wanted to be clean, not dead, but in the end, I was nearly dead. If Alice hadn't found me I would have been.

At the time I was more than a little crazy. Most of the time I kept up a masquerade to others, they thought I was normal, didn't have a care in the world, nothing phased me. If they only knew the kind of shit that played in my head they wouldn't think that. Keeping up a plastic facade was in my best interest in living life, in getting through med school, of meeting other people. This wasn't me, not the real me. The only one that knew the real me was Alice, and even she didn't really know me. Some may know what happened, but they didn't have a clue how much being raped, tortured and then finally killing someone had truly affected me.

After that attempt, that to me wasn't an attempt since I didn't plan on killing myself, Alice never left me out of her sight. Unbeknown to me she rented an apartment and decorated it while I was in the hospital recovering, and back in counseling. She got all new furniture and made it a home for the two of us. When I got out of the hospital she'd left all my things at my own apartment so I'd have a familiar place to come home to, but after a few days she announced to me “We're moving into an apartment together, I've already fixed it up. All you need are your clothes and personal items, the rest of this shit can go.” She sneered at my stuff, like it was what was making me crazy.

“Alice, and if I don't want to go? I don't want to live with my sister, that's just wrong.” I told her adamantly.

“You'll do it because I told you to. Right now you can't live on your own.” She bossed me around and I balked at her. Then she turned on the tears, fucking great. “I love you, Edward. I don't want to see you do that again, you need to have someone around. If it's not me, it's got to be someone, you can't live alone.” She was pleading for me to go with her, no matter what she said about someone else. Someone else wouldn't watch over me as well as she would. It was at that stage in my life Alice became my permanent babysitter, instead of a part-time one.

Alice had helped me more than I ever thought she could, even if she annoyed me often. When I wasn't at work, she always checked up on me if I was out or she was out. To most people that would be annoying as hell and it did get that way from time to time, but I knew I needed it. I also knew that if it wasn't for her I would be dead now.

Although I was angry when that man had done those things to me, I didn't get angry, truly angry, until I was much older. Once I started feeling guilt and shame and powerlessness, which is an odd thing to feel after killing someone, but I did, I wanted to get of this life. One day I found my anger, again it was a dream I had. The blonde blue-eyed boy haunted my dreams, it was the scared look on his face, the tears that streamed down and his calling out for his mommy that pissed me off. This time I was angry, and angrier than I ever had been. If I had been willing to kill myself over how I felt about what happened to me, what about him? He was younger and impressionable and innocent, he didn't deserve that. He deserved to be home with the family he was crying out for, to be hugged and loved by them, not living out this nightmare.

I was certain he'd killed himself by now, it was a surprise to see him in the hospital under my care. To find out he was Emmett's partner and he was gay like me was too good to be true. Of course it was, he did try to kill himself or I might never have met him, might never have found out what happened to the boy. I felt both ecstatic and depressed over those facts.

Coming back where I was, at the hospital, still with the living, breathing Jasper I whispered “Jasper? What are you doing awake?”

Jasper held his hand out for me to take, for the first time. I wondered if he really touched anyone else. If he could get past this he would be someone that liked touching and being touched, I was sure of it. Knowing what a huge step that was for him I smiled and squeezed his hand back. Jasper eventually relaxed and fell back to sleep and I watched him, for the first time in his dreaming he had a slight smile on his face.

Waking up I scrubbed my face with my hands and said “I'll be right back, Jasper.” Getting up to go to the small bathroom I washed my face trying to wake it up. My hair....? Honestly it didn't look any different than it had three days ago and fixed, so I just didn't bother. I smiled when I pulled out the toothbrush Angela had given to me.

Hearing Bella's voice in the room I stiffened. She could help Jasper, but not if he didn't want it from her. Besides, I think we'd made more progress than she ever could with him alone. Jasper still wasn't going to speak to her, so I came back into the room. Jasper was staring at the ceiling until I was back at his side, he had seemed pissed off, but got calmer the closer I was to him. Should I be making him calm though? That might end up being a crutch of some kind to him if I stayed in his life. Pissed off and angry, that he could really use right now to get better. I knew from experience you couldn't skip that step, it must come.

Bella looked back and forth between the two of us before she spoke again, this time to me. “Dr. Cullen, will Jasper be able to be moved now?” She questioned.

I knew what she meant. She wanted to know if he was not just well enough physically, but was he well enough mentally. “Physically, yes.” Was my answer. His wounds had begun to heal and would be fine as long as he didn't make anymore. If he went home now he'd cut himself or kill himself, I had no doubt about that. He was getting better, but as soon as isolation came... it would all be over for him.

“Okay. Jasper, I will be moving you later today.” Bella stated.

“Moving me where?” Jasper asked her.

“Well, there aren't any beds in the psych ward here, and I don't think you'd be comfortable there either.” She explained in what she probably thought was a soothing tone. Her eyes glanced over to mine to make sure I was okay with this. I wouldn't be able to see him in the psych hospital at all, no one would, other than family, a family he didn't have right now.

“So where the hell am I going then? Can I go home?” He demanded to know.

“Jasper, I have privileges at the psych hospital across the street. I want you to go there.” Bella answered.

“You want me to?” Jasper asked, he was quick on the uptake there. “You aren't going to make me?”

“No, I can't make you without a court order, and if I do that it'll take longer for you to get out. If you volunteer yourself you won't have to stay as long.” She explained, pleading with him. Bella drove me up the fucking walls, but I know she usually meant well. Although meaning well sometimes wasn't enough.

Hearing Jasper's sigh I looked at him and saw the struggle running around in his head. He wanted to go home, but he wanted to get better too. Making a decision I said “You've come so far, Jasper. Please go, it will help you. It will get you a little further from where you are.” He would be better, but by no means entirely well. I didn't think he ever would be, I wasn't.

Jasper's eyes clamped shut as something went through his mind and he began to take deep breaths. My fingers brushed his cheek. I hadn't noticed they were moving until I felt his warm skin against them, warm, not cold and dead. Jasper jumped at my touch, but I only looked on in concern when he opened his eyes. I wasn't about to move my hand now, somehow I knew that's where it should be.

“Yes, I'll go.” Jasper agreed and I let out a sigh of relief the same time Bella did.

Bella stood and said “I'll get the orders ready to move you later this afternoon.”

When she left I asked “Are you okay?”

Letting out a shaky “Yes,” he turned his head and kissed the palm of my hand. My breathing hitched. I didn't know what to say or do. He was my patient still at the moment, so this couldn't go any further. What I was struggling with more was that he actually liked me. I knew he was attracted to me, yes, but just because you found someone attractive it didn't mean you wanted more from that person.

Jasper looked panicked as I hadn't said a word to him and sat up, as though he was going to run away. “Where are you going?” I asked him softly.

Tears sprang to his eyes and my heart broke for him a little more. He thought I didn't want him. I'd have to remedy that and fast, I couldn't wait to see what a more healed Jasper would be like. “Jasper... I like you...” My voice cracked on the words. “But... you are my patient and I'm your doctor. Nothing can happen while I'm still your doctor.” The tears that were in his eyes began to flow, but he looked happy now. I wasn't rejecting him, just that this wasn't the right time and he needed to get better, better for himself, for his life, for everyone that would be in his future.

Letting out a laugh he asked “It's a good thing Dr. Swan is moving me today then, isn't it?” He looked high when he said that.

Smiling at him I answered “Yes, it's a good thing. You are going to get better in there, Jasper.” Then I leaned down and whispered “If you don't I'll kick your ass and bring Emmett for reinforcements.” He laughed as at that exact same time the huge giant stepped into the room, Alice following behind. Jasper's laughter was giddy and silly and came as a complete shock to everyone in the room. What was he thinking?

He smiled at Emmett and my sister before he grabbed my hand himself and held it close. Alice didn't have any reaction much to it on the outside, inside I knew she could barely contain herself. Emmett's eyes were wide and he shouted so loud the whole floor probably heard “Holy shit.” Then I watched him swing Alice around, he was ecstatic.

“Emmett, what the fuck is wrong with you? Put Alice down.” Jasper demanded.

“I just... I never thought my two favorite gay men would actually like each other, especially not with....” He trailed off the ending. No Emmett, seriously, don't mention that right now. The mood got heavy again and I didn't like it, it'd been heavy enough. I wanted lighter, I needed it and so did Jasper.

In my attempt to lighten the mood I shot back “Two favorite gay men? Aren't we the only gay men you know?”

Emmett laughed his booming laugh and answered “Yeah, but you'd still be my favorite if I knew anyone else. I've tried to set him up with some people.” He said pointing at Jasper, which actually pissed me off. “But, I knew they'd never work, I just thought he needed a good fuck to get him out of his funk.”

Jasper's mouth gaped open “You didn't think any of the dozens of people you tried to set me up with would work?” Jealousy reared its ugly head at that. Did he actually go out with all those people?

He shook his head no. “I really wanted it to work out with you and Eddie, but... I'm close to both of you, so if it didn't work out, then I'd be fucked. Good thing it's your faults you met and not mine.” He ended that glaring at Jasper. He would never let Jasper forget the way he found him, if he'd known about me... he would never have left me alone and frankly I'd rather deal with Alice. She said less stupid shit.