Strange Desire: Chapter Nineteen

STRANGE DESIRE: CHAPTER NINETEEN

AN: Don't blame me for part of this chapter, the boys hijacked the story from me for a moment. I had no intention of writing part of this at all, but when I sat down they told me this is how it had to be. We went round and round about it.

For all of you that know the shit that's gone on in my RL, thanks for your support, I've really needed it.

Characters belong to SM, I've just borrowed the guys for my own amusement.

EPOV

Lying beside Jasper I watched him sleep, a contented soft smile on his face. My god, I loved my beautiful man. I don't think I could or would ever love anyone as much as him. Tracing a finger over his soft lips I watched as he sighed and smiled wider. Smiling to myself I knew I was the one that made him feel this way, the one that fucked him twice today. Well, I say I made love to him, he would say fucked. He never seemed all that comfortable with his emotions, which is why all this craziness messing with his mind had turned his head upside down.

Jasper was mine, he belonged to me and I knew that, but should he? He would never have the things in life he always thought he wanted. We wouldn't be allowed marriage, at least not for the time-being, so... would he be better off with someone he could marry? I was positive he wanted children even though he said he was okay without them. I didn't, never did. I couldn't fathom placing the same sort of shit on a child that my father did to me. Standing outside of my house today just drove that home more. All the negative memories of my father came back full-force and I do mean all of them. Maybe he'd be better off if I let him go, better off if he could live the life he thought he'd have, the life he should have.

Even though it hurt my heart to think about those things I wondered now if my head should have thought of them before we were ever together. He was beautiful, I loved him more than anything or anyone, but I would always hold him back, I knew that. I didn't want to let him go, but his mom brought home to me all the things that wouldn't be if we stayed together. I had to let him go. Could I do it? I didn't want to, but I would, he would have a happier life if we weren't together and he was free to be with a woman. I knew he wasn't likely to be with another man, but I suppose anything was possible.

Yes, I'd let him go. Today had been a good day, and I didn't want it to end badly. I'd tell him tomorrow before we went home, that way if he didn't want us to stay in the same apartment we could part ways then. Today, right now, I'd pretend everything was okay and we'd be fine. Tomorrow he could tell me to go to hell if that's what he wanted and I'd stick by whatever decision he made.

Opening his eyes to look at me Jasper asked sleepily “What's wrong with you?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked confused, I thought I'd hidden the way I felt a little better than that.

“Edward.... you aren't as good at pretending things as I am, so something is up, otherwise you wouldn't have that look on your face.” Jasper said pushing on my furrowed brow that I hadn't even realized was furrowed.

“It's nothing. We don't have to worry about it right now.” I said hoping he'd drop it.

Rolling me over he was straddling me and pushing my shoulders down into the mattress with his hands. “It's not nothing, I can tell.” Then Jasper gasped and sat up. I was busily trying to memorize the way he looked in my mind as we wouldn't be together any longer. Slapping the middle of my chest hard Jasper got out “You're breaking up with me, aren't you?”

I didn't want to say yes, but I didn't want to say no either as I didn't want to lie. “Are you stupid or something?” He shot at me angrily.

“No, I'm not stupid.” I was defensive.

Blowing out his breath he closed his eyes and it looked as though he was trying to calm himself down. “I won't accept it.” He stated calmly, flatly.

“What do you mean you won't accept it? If I do it, it's done.” I replied, he wasn't going to make this easy.

His blue eyes burned into mine as he said “If you didn't love me then I'd accept it, but you do. I know you do. That's what this is about, isn't it? You think you are doing the right thing by letting me go.” I said nothing, that is what I thought. Nodding his head at me he said “Okay, break up with me then, but I want to know all the reasons you think I'd be better off without you first.”

I didn't want to go over the reasons, I just wanted him to move on and be happy. Right now I was at a serious disadvantage in this position. Pushing Jasper off me, I sat up. Looking around for my boxers, jeans, anything, I finally spotted my boxers to put them on. I wasn't about to have this kind of conversation without any clothes on.

Jasper was trying to bore a hole through the back of my head I knew, I could feel it. About to put my foot in my boxers he grabbed them from me and threw them across the room. “No.” That was the only word he said, which surprised me. By this time I fully expected him to throw some sort of childish tantrum.

Blinking at him I wondered just why he would do that, wouldn't he feel better clothed? He seemed to be far more easily embarrassed about that sort of shit than I was. Looking at me intently, he was impatiently waiting for my answer. Crossing his arms across his chest after about ten minutes of me not speaking he said “You're stalling.” Fucking right I was stalling, he should just let it go, move on, be happy without me, he could be happier than with me. I'd just... well, I didn't know what I would do. Perhaps find someone else that I didn't feel like I was taking part of their life away, but that would be a long time in coming. I knew without a doubt I'd never love someone as much as Jasper, never. He'd been a part of my life too long.

Knowing I'd never be able to get out of the house without telling him I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Closing it I cleared my throat and tried again, still no words. Damn it. My head kept telling me he'd be happier without me as anything more than a friend, my heart was pissed off and shouting at me. I'd wanted Jasper for too long to give up now when I had him, when I never thought I would. Battling it out between each other I still tried to push words out of my mouth, any words.

Jasper raised a brow at me, still waiting. Opening my mouth again I made some sort of weird strangled noise and Jasper snorted at me. “You can't even tell me, I really don't think you want to break up with me.” He told me, his arms still crossed.

Angry now I knew I wanted to leave him, he'd be better off, so I finally found the words. “Jasper, I do think we should break up.” It was a statement and a clear one. Jasper's eyes narrowed and his jaw flexed, but he was still sitting there. I fully expected him to leave by now. Why couldn't I have figured this out a couple of days ago when he went off? Then it would be easy just to say that's why I didn't want him anymore. Fucking hell.

Releasing a long breath Jasper asked “And just what makes you think that?”

Looking away then down I answered “You won't be able to be fully happy with me.” Jasper looked at me in shock first before bursting into laughter.

“Happy? Are you insane? I am happy, happier than I have ever been.” He finally got out when the laughter subsided.

“No, that's not what I meant. I mean you should be happily married with kids, I'm sure you would be by now if I hadn't been around.” I explained my side of things. My guilt at taking those things away from him ate at me.

Eyes wide Jasper just stared right at me before he began ranting “What the fuck are you talking about? Damn it, damn it, damn it. This is because of my mother, isn't it? I knew she shouldn't have brought that stuff up.”

“Maybe she shouldn't, but they are things we needed to hear. I'm fully aware of what I'm giving up, but you I don't think are.” I really wanted him to understand and to let go, then again I didn't, part of me was still selfish.

Shaking his head at me he said “Edward, don't you think I thought about this stuff before? I'm not a complete idiot. I knew what I was getting myself into.” Opening my mouth to protest he placed a finger over my lips commanding my silence. “Now, as far as having kids goes, I already know how you feel about that and why. I told you I was okay with it as long as I had you, you were more important.” Yeah, but... he'd have them if it wasn't for me. “Just like I'll still be here if you change your mind too.” That was extremely doubtful. Hell would probably freeze over first.

“As for the marriage thing? Who said I wanted to get married to anyone? I never mentioned that, not one time in our entire lives together.” Jasper told me and I tried to remember if that was true. Well, fuck, it was true. “I distinctly remember wanting to be settled down with someone because that's what I thought I should do, but married? Fuck no.”

“Does that mean you never want to get married to anyone?” I asked astonished. His parents were always so happy together that I was jealous of it, jealous of having a love that lasted like that. I assumed he'd want that too.

“To a woman? No. I never understood why until I was with you. I loved you, I could never love them right.” He was quiet when he answered me, as if he was afraid of the words.

“Okay, so you never wanted to marry a woman. Jasper, we can't be married, you do realize this?” I asked him, I was not sure he fully understood the implications of that.

Jasper's eyes looked down and I thought I'd lost him now. Then he raised his head his blue eyes blazing bright and scooted closer to me. Taking my hands in his he said “Edward, listen to me and listen to me carefully, because it's unlikely I'll ever say this again. I'm not sure you realize that in my mind we already are. I've never and will never love anyone as much as you. You are my partner, my lover, my best friend, no one else is going to take your place.” My mind reeled at that, sometimes I didn't think he loved me as much I loved him. Swallowing he spoke softly “Edward, I love you. I don't want anyone else but you.” Tears started to well in his eyes and I knew then that he did love me, loved me as much as I did him, he just didn't show it the same way.

Sighing in relief and joy, my heart stopped shouting and punching me. I wasn't going to let him go, I'd just had a crazy freaked out moment. Smiling slightly at Jasper I whispered “Thank you.”

“Thanks for what?” He asked me bewildered.

“For telling me I was stupid, for talking me out of making one of the worst decisions I'd ever make, one I know I'd regret.” I told him grinning.

“Oh, well anytime you feel like being a jackass I'll let you know just how stupid you are being.” He was joking, but... that made me feel slightly guilty. He was a jackass to me and I'd shut him out and shut down, no longer listening. Jasper stayed and listened and talked sense into me. He was definitely slowly going back to his old self, his old self would have done that.

“Now get dressed, you wore me out today and I'm starving.” Jasper commanded and I laughed, he had been insatiable today in more ways than one.

“Why can I get dressed now and not before?” I asked him pulling a shirt on.

“Because if this was our last time together I wanted to remember the way you were.” He responded quietly, unable to look at me.

Coming up to him I tilted his chin up and saw the sadness in his eyes, on his face, the sadness I was responsible for, that I put there. Damn it. Embracing him I kissed his lips softly before whispering “Forgive me? I love you more than anything, I only thought I'd be doing the right thing and giving you what you needed by leaving.”

“Yes, but next time, don't do the right thing without talking to me first. Got it?” He demanded pushing me back.

“Got it, talk to you first.” I acknowledged. Sniffing the air we both could smell dinner cooking downstairs and finished getting dressed.

Esme and Carlisle were in the kitchen cooking. It was nice to see them together, but I knew Carlisle was more in the way than actually helping as he wasn't home that often to help cook. I think he was just there to sneak bites of food past Esme. They were laughing at something and I felt a little lighter, I needed the laughter after bringing myself down so fast. I was sure the old memories of my father hadn't helped my mood any.

One distinct memory kept playing over and over in my head today.

Running, I was running through the woods near my house. Feeling the wind on my face I felt free, freer than I ever did at home. The ground on the trail was soft and damp beneath my feet, I was barefoot and didn't care, it felt wonderful. Taking deep lungfuls of air I smelled the wet earth and felt elated. There was no need to fear anything out here, anything here was safer, calmer than my house. Peace was my illusion out here.

Stopping at a clearing I paused and took it all in. Flowers of all colors grew thick and heavy here, the opening giving them sunlight to flourish. My mom would like them I knew, so I began picking the best ones, trying to get all the different ones in my hand. Once my hand was as full as it could possibly get I walked back to my house slowly, holding the flowers out and away from me, not wanting to crush or mess them up. My mom deserved better than that, the past few days had been hard on her, her and my father were constantly fighting.

Walking into the yard, the flowers still intact, I was proud of myself. They made it in one piece and would make my mom happy. I was excited to give them to her. I should have known better, should have known my father would ruin it, like he always did.

He'd just gotten out of his car and saw me before I could hand them off to my mom. Glaring at me and then the flowers and back again he stepped up to me and ripped the flowers from my hand. Throwing them down he ground them out with his foot and seethed at me “You aren't a pansy.” What? My father needed medication or something, I know I'd seen him give my mom flowers whenever they'd been fighting, so what was the big deal? “Real men don't pick flowers.” Even though I knew I shouldn't have I rolled my eyes at him. “I'm doing you a favor by telling you this stuff, you don't want to grow up with people hating you.” Shooting daggers at him, right now I really hated him.

“What are you doing?” My mother screeched from the doorway.

“I'm just teaching Edward a lesson.” My father shot back at her.

“No, you aren't. Why would you do that? He's just a boy.” She said sidling up to me.

“You coddle him too much. If I left him alone with you he'd grow up to be gay.” He told her pointing his finger right at her in a gesture I didn't like. Gay? What the hell did that even mean? Sometimes I felt as though my father was mad at me for stuff I'd never done.

My mom said “Go to your room, sweetie. Your father and I need to have a discussion right now.” Discussion equaled fight in this household. I walked away feeling deflated as I wasn't able to give my mom those flowers. I'd go back and get some more and make sure my father never saw them.

Going up the stairs to my room I was bored as usual and wished my best friend lived closer to me. Could there be a way to get to him in times like this when I just wanted to get away from all of this? “Sweetie, are you alright?” My mom asked me pushing the door to my room open.

“Yeah.” I didn't cry anymore when my father acted like an ass, I just felt the bricks fall into place adding a new one each time.

“Do you want to go to Jasper's? It might be more fun than being here right now.” She asked and I looked up at her and nodded. It would be more fun than here, sometimes I felt like I was walking on eggshells or felt like I was at a funeral, mine.

My mom drove me to his house and when Esme opened the door she said “He's up in his room.” That's all it took for me to run up the stairs barely giving her a backwards glance. I was sure that was rude, but I didn't have it in me to be nice anymore today. Look where that had gotten me.

Knocking on Jasper's door I pushed it open slowly. He was laying on his bed listening to music with his eyes closed. Opening his eyes he quirked an eyebrow and asked “Bad day?”

“Yes.” Was my only reply before I laid on the bed beside him. Pulling me into his arms so my head was on his chest like usual I let out a sigh. “Jazz?”

“What?” His voice was soft.

“I wish there was some way we could see each other without our parents.” I was serious, I needed to see him far more often than I was allowed, needed to get away from that place.

“Hmm... I'll think of something.” He told me and I relaxed knowing he would.

A few months later I figured out what he'd been so excited about for a while, that trail he made between our houses. I think I forgot to thank him for that. Maybe I'd make it up to him later.

My father was a complete asshole. Something I figured out a long time ago, but knowing I wasn't the first family member he'd disowned was both disturbing and a relief. Why'd he do it though? I knew that question would gnaw at me until I knew the answer.

“Edward, what's gotten you so far away?” Jasper asked me snaking his arm around my waist and turning to face me.

“I forgot.” I stated.

“You forgot what, Edward? In case you haven't noticed I'm the one that keeps forgetting shit, not you.” Jasper was frowning at me and looking sober. I chuckled at him, he was right, he did forget stuff, unless it was absolute fact, that stuff he never forgot. Sometimes I wondered if he forgot things deliberately. If he couldn't remember then he wouldn't lie about stuff, he didn't like lying and he wasn't good at it, so maybe it was easier if he tried to erase it to start with.

“I forgot to thank you for making that trail, for coming to rescue me, for being there and taking me in.” I hadn't meant to say all that, but the words spilled out. God damn, this had been an emotional day for me, I was really kind of tired of it.

“You're welcome, but you need to thank my parents for taking you in, they could have said no all those times.” He told me. That was true, other kid's parents didn't take someone else's child on that often.

“No, he doesn't, we know he's grateful and it's not like we didn't want him here.” Esme said looking over at us. Then coming up next to me she hugged me and said “You've felt like my son since the first time I laid eyes on you.” Overwhelmed, all I could do was hug her back. She hadn't been able to have any of her own children, miscarrying each time she got pregnant. So to her I was sure I was like a second son she never thought she had, I certainly had spent enough time here.

“Now, there are too many cooks in the kitchen, you boys get out of here. Dinner will be ready in a few.” Esme said shooing us out the door.

We laughed at her and walked out of the kitchen. It was going to be a while before dinner was ready, so instead of heading to the dining room we ended up outside on the back porch. Passing the living room I didn't want to be there, it was... still uncomfortable with all that white, I hoped Esme wouldn't keep that for long. As we passed the den Esme had apparently already been taking the couch apart, why she would do that in here I didn't know, but the room was a mess. We were essentially relegated to outside or upstairs. Jasper wanted to go outside, I think he missed it after being in the hospital so long.

There were a couple of chairs out here and a table, but they were pushed back in the shade. Jasper only glanced at them before he sat on the wooden beams and let his legs swing out looking out over the woods surrounding the house. Joining him I sat down beside him and looked out, we'd be heading back to Seattle and the city tomorrow afternoon, so I fully intended to enjoy the peace while it lasted. “Jasper?” My voice was quiet, afraid to disturb the nature around us.

Turning his head to me he said “Yeah? Got something on your mind?” I'd had a lot of things on my mind today, but not this.

“Do you remember the trail we made from your house to the clearing?” I asked him. We made it so I wouldn't have to get there from my parents house anymore, I wanted to see it as little as possible.

He snorted at me and said “Yeah, I remember it. We both ended up covered in scratches and cuts from head to toe because we were too impatient to do it slowly.” I laughed, we did make it pretty damn fast.

“Anyway, do you think it's still there?” I asked.

“If what's still there? The trail? Or the clearing?” He questioned.

“The trail. The clearing is probably still there, it didn't seem like it was going anywhere.” The only way that was gone was if the forest had encroached on it.

“Don't know. Want to find out tomorrow morning before we leave?” He asked me with a gleam in his eye. It didn't take a genius to figure out what he was up to.

“Hmm... maybe. Are you gonna be a good boy for me or not?” I teased.

Laughing at me he said “I'm not making any promises I can't keep. Besides, why should I be good? I've been good all damn day. You, on the other hand... I think you might need some sense knocked back into your head.”

Snorting at him I said “I think you've already done that.”

“Well, maybe I'll just drive it home more.” The double entendre wasn't lost on me.

Smiling at him I winked and said “I can't fucking wait.”

“Oh, you'll wait alright and I'll fuck you until you can't remember who you are anymore.” Jasper shot back at me. I groaned, damn it, why did he have to tease me this way? I think I must have said that out loud because the next words out of Jasper's mouth were “You've teased me like this before, turnabout is fair-play.” Then he slid his hand beneath the waistband of my jeans only brushing against my growing erection. He had a wide grin on his face and was having entirely too much fun at my expense.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked pleading with him for more.

“Why? Do you really have to ask? I'm having my fun with you, Edward. You totally ruined my blissed out high, now I'm going to get it back by torturing you.” Jasper's hand slipped lower and cupped my balls lightly tugging before removing his hand completely and laughing. Fucker.

Jasper stood and started walking back into the house. “Where the fuck do you think you're going?” I demanded.

“I'm hungry, I'm going to get food, you can stay out here and take care of yourself or join me.” Jasper was so going to pay for that. What the fuck was I thinking trying to break up with him? As soon as he walked his ass away from me just like he did now I would have been a goner and been all over him.

Standing up I caught up to him and wrapped my arms around him, trapping him there, pressing my erection into his ass. Hissing at me he asked “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I'm doing? You can't just leave me like that.” I was begging now.

“Oh, I can and I will.” He said turning around to face me, I could feel his own erection against my thigh. Good, that meant his resistance would be weak. Grabbing his ass I pulled him closely to me and kissed him roughly. Pulling away from me he told me “It won't be happening anymore today.” He grinned and backed away. I was frustrated beyond belief. After we got home I didn't know how much alone time we'd have when real life came back and my job that took so much away from me. I wanted him now, damn it.

Dinner was uncomfortable as Jasper's hand kept rubbing my inner thigh, I had to adjust myself a couple of times. What the fuck did he think he was doing? It was one thing to do that at home, but here? With his parents at the same table seemed like an incredibly stupid thing to do. The fucker had an innocent face the whole entire time. His parents knew what he was doing, they were both trying not to look and laugh.

Polishing off my food I stood up and told the table “I'm going to bed, I don't want to be too tired to drive home tomorrow.” Mostly I was hoping Jasper would follow me upstairs, the smirks on his parent's faces let me know exactly what they thought.

Pushing his chair back from the table Jasper stood and said “Yeah, me too and I need a shower.”

“Okay, we'll see you in the morning, boys.” Esme said her lips twitching.

Jasper was in front of me and about to put his foot on the bottom step of the stairs before he turned around. Grabbing the back of my neck with his hand he brought me to his lips, our tongues tasting each other. Grinning widely at me he pulled away and ran up the stairs, I groaned watching him. He was too good looking and too tasty for his own good.

Following up the steps I shut and locked the door behind me. Pulling Jasper to me I turned him around so he was against the door. My mouth met his and I swept my tongue inside and pushed his shirt up, my hands running along his ribs. Jasper moaned into my mouth and let me remove his shirt before he pushed me away. “It's not going to work, I'm in control right now.” Jasper said walking past me and dropping his jeans. Fuck, how did he expect me to keep my hands to myself? The rest of his clothes went after them and he stepped into the bathroom. Maybe if I could get my hands on him in the shower then he couldn't say no. Removing my clothes quickly I walked into the bathroom and watched the water run down Jasper's face. His wet blonde hair reminded me of the day he found out I liked him, with the rain soaking it and his clothes.

Stepping into the shower I pressed myself against his back and kissed his neck. Snorting at me he shook his wet hair in my face so I backed away. “What the fuck did you do that for?” I shouted.

“You're not listening to me, I said not today.” His voice was strong, commanding, until he came up to my ear and whispered “I will have you begging for it.”

“I am begging, Jazz. Please?” I was desperate and hard.

Smirking at me Jasper answered “No, if you think you need to get off then do it, right here, right now, while I watch.” Then under his breath he muttered “Fucker.” Oh, he was still mad about the time I watched him in the shower after leaving him high and dry. Damn it. I needed to get off badly.

Raising a brow at me Jasper tapped his foot impatiently and said “I'm waiting.” Yeah, like that was going to help. Shaking his head at me he grabbed the bottle of soap and poured it in his hand, lathering his entire body. I watched as he looked right at me and began stroking his cock with soapy hands.

Closing my eyes I leaned my head against the tile and moaned. Opening them again I let my own hands wander lower and matched the speed of his strokes on my own cock, imagining it was his hand there and not mine. Looking at Jasper's face it was flushed pink from the heat of the warm water. My eyes traveled down to his arm watching the muscles move and flex as he jerked himself off. Watching him stroke himself he brought his other hand around to cup his balls tugging on them. Fuck, I wish he'd let me suck on them. Taking a step forward Jasper's steely gaze was enough to make me step back to where I was. So instead of touching him, I mirrored what he was doing. Jasper closed his own eyes and grunted before biting his lip and letting go. That was my undoing. I sped my hand up and shot my load on my stomach soon after.

Jasper stood in front of me and placed his hands on the back of my head, his forehead resting on mine. “I love you.” He breathed before pressing a soft kiss to my lips.

“I love you too, Jazz.” I sighed.

Finishing up our shower soon after we went to bed and I fell into a deep sleep, a peaceful one. That was good, real life would come when we got back to Seattle. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I was looking forward to whatever Jasper had planned for tomorrow.

AN: So... I think I'm going to make you guys suffer for the real lemon until next chapter. This one already took so much out of me after the week I had. Don't complain, I think I outdid myself with the last couple of chapters and I plan to do the same with the next one.