Sunday, February 7, 2010

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Six

Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Six

AN: I'm happy many of you enjoyed Edward's point of view last chapter, he's definitely much more... healed than Jasper, but he still has his own ghosts.

Characters belong to Stephenie Meyers, this story is still mine.

JPOV

Despair washed over me, overwhelming my senses as soon as Edward walked out of the room. I felt the loss, and the hope I'd had disappeared making me wish I had finished off the job and Emmett hadn't found me. My body shook and I began sweating once again needing a fix. I could hear Emmett and Edward outside talking quietly, at least Edward hadn't outed me completely, I was grateful for that. Right now I needed a fix desperately. Looking around the room I searched and searched for anything sharp. They'd said they took all the sharp things out of the room though. I missed my blood-sick friends. Getting up my body shook even more and I fell to the floor. There. That's what I was looking for. Something, anything sharp. The underneath side of the bed had some sharp edges to it. It might take a little more force than usual to cut myself, but I was going to do it. I needed to do it. If they weren't going to let me end my internal pain I was going to have to cause physical pain to get some of what I felt on the inside out. It was like as the release of blood came then the pain on the inside came with it.

Pulling myself closer to the bed I stuck my arm right underneath where the mattress was and quickly before someone could catch me sliced my arm open again. I held my arm next to me and watched fascinated as the blood oozed from the fresh wound. Closing my eyes I felt glee and excitement at getting what I needed, what I craved.

I must have made a noise of triumph because the next thing I knew strong arms were picking me up and placing me back in the bed. Emmett's face was only inches from my own and angry as he said “What the fuck? You're already trying to end your life again after I saved you?”

Shoving him away from me my eyes flashed in just as much anger as I said “I didn't ask you to save me. I didn't want you to save me. I wanted to die, I still do.” Then motioning to my arm I said “This makes me feel better, this makes me be able to live with myself on a day to day basis.”

Shaking his head Emmett said “I just don't get it. Why are you so unhappy? You could have everything you wanted, but you choose not to. It's not the other way around.”

“Emmett, you just don't understand, you never could.” I told him.

Then I heard the most beautiful voice in the room say “That's right. He can't understand, but I can. Now if you'll excuse me I still have patients to see before I come back. Emmett, make sure he's watched even if you leave, okay?” Emmett nodded absent-mindedly. Edward turned away and walked out before I could really even see him again.

“Whitlock, stop being an idiot. Now get in that bed properly.” Emmett commanded before taking a seat in the chair next to the bed.

“Emmett, you don't have to stay here you know.” I told him trying to get him to leave.

He scoffed at me and said “Yeah right. I don't have to stay here. You'll only hurt yourself again as soon as someone leaves. I'm staying right here until the counselor comes to talk to you.”

Sighing at him I laid back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling tiles again. Emmett turned the crappy television on to see what was on, looked like more crap to me. I'd stopped watching the news altogether and I was very careful about which television shows I watched, so much of it seemed to make my nightmares worse.

Having to pee I started to get out of bed until Emmett stopped me and asked “Where do you think you're going?”

“Gotta pee, man, now let me go.” I said and got out. When I got up to go Emmett made a gagging sound. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I nearly shouted.

“You don't have any underwear on. Dude, I'm pretty sure seeing your ass was not on my agenda today.” Emmett said looking disgusted.

“Well, I don't have any clothes here. I only had boxers on when you found me that were soaked in blood. So what you see is what you get, unless you want to go get me some from my house.” I told him and walked into the bathroom. Emmett grumbled at me and huffed. Let him. He didn't have to come to my house today, he didn't have to find me. I'd be happier if he hadn't.

After peeing I looked at myself in the mirror. I still looked the same as I had this morning. I was sure I'd see changes. My curly hair was still the same, but maybe a little bit messier. My blues eyes were wide and clear. The only thing different about me were the new cuts. Looking down at the newest one I decided not to clean it up, so what if it got infected. I would gladly welcome death by infection, it would get me closer to my goal, to be dead, to not be here, to not be in pain.

Walking back into the room I laid down on the uncomfortable hospital bed once again. Emmett was still watching TV. Did he really think that would make me wish I was dead less? Some of the dumbest things I'd ever seen were on TV. I needed music badly. If I couldn't get out of this hospital anytime soon then I needed a distraction. “Emmett, will you do me a favor?” I asked him.

“Sure Jasper, within reason. What is it?” He asked me curious.

“Well, will you go to my house and get me some clothes, a toothbrush and toothpaste and my iPod?” I asked. Surely these weren't outrageous requests.

“Yeah, okay. I was going to bring you some food for dinner anyway, this stuff sucks.” Emmett said and I tried to smile at him, tried to pretend I felt better than I did this morning. He only narrowed his eyes at me in suspicion.

After a while the counselor came in and Emmett excused himself saying he'd be back with my things soon. “Hi, I'm Dr. Swan.” The woman had smooth brown hair and sat down in the chair Emmett vacated. “So Jasper, do you want to tell me what happened today? Why you did this?” She said pointing at my arms.

“No, I don't want to talk to you at all.” I said to her. For some reason her kind manner rubbed me the wrong way. I didn't like her, but not for any reason I could think of.

“Jasper, you have to talk to me. If you don't want to tell me about that, then what do you want to talk about?” She asked me, baiting. I didn't say a word, keeping my mouth firmly clamped shut. She was there a total of fifteen minutes before saying “Okay Jasper, well if you won't talk to me then I'll find someone you will talk to. In the meantime I'm writing out some prescriptions for you.” Fucking doctors, take this pill and all your pain will go away. What a load of crap. I knew how this would play out. Take a pill, feel better, talk and cry to me about it. The doctor feels better, like they helped. I felt like shit still and I would still be in pain. The only thing the drugs might do is steal my emotions. Right now I guess they thought that was a good thing. I personally didn't like feeling that way, all my anger and sadness would be gone, but so would any happiness or joy. I would feel nothing, only darkness. Those pills only helped if something was wrong with the chemicals in your brain. What was wrong with me was my shitty life.

My parents put me in counseling when I was a teenager and started acting out. They'd seen the scars on my arms, which is why I moved them to my legs. I'd started using every once in a while. I never felt guilty over any of those things which disturbed my parents even more. Now that they were dead I wished I'd been a better son to them. The only good thing that came out of therapy was I'd figured out I was gay, my parents didn't seem surprised by my confession either. I just remember not being able to get it up for any girl, at all. At first I thought maybe I'd been so traumatized that I was going to be asexual my entire life. When I started to notice the guys in the locker room at school, I knew. Apparently I was gay. For some people this might have been a nightmare realization. For me though it was a relief to know that I wasn't as bad off as I thought, that I would eventually be able to have sex with someone. It did always bother me though when I thought back to that man and what he'd done. Had he made gay? Did I enjoy what he did? No, surely not. No one seemed to have the answer. Depending on who you talked to the answer was always different. Fucking idiots, no one knew anything. Yeah Jasper, did you really expect them to?

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