Strange Desire: Chapter Fifteen

Strange Desire: Chapter Fifteen

AN: Okay, this is to all of you that didn't get the last chapter. I know I was drugged, but really it makes me sad that some of you didn't actually READ what I wrote. Most of you did, but seriously, I think some of you need to go back and read EVERY word I write. I don't put any words there at random, ever. Some of you seem to be under the impression that Edward raped Jasper at the end of that because he was angry. No, he didn't. Edward was angry and will be both angry and sad in this chapter. Edward gave him a way out if you read what I wrote, and also he would have stopped if Jasper told him to, which he didn't. Just because you are angry and fighting that doesn't mean the love stops. Jasper LIKED the aggressiveness, read it, it's in there. As far as the pain is pleasure thing, some people like it like that. Who the hell is going to make slow sweet love after a fight like that? No one I know, no one. Edward is the more dominant one in this relationship and always has been, but Jasper likes to take that control too on occasion. There is a time and a place for all different kinds of pleasure.

Now because of that I decided I'd rewrite that same lemon from Edward's point of view. It's something I haven't ever done, but I feel it's necessary with this one and with some of your responses.

Some of you seem a bit shocked by Jasper's thoughts, let alone his actions. I didn't pull those thoughts out of my ass. One of my friends had them, he was just smart enough not to tell his partner that. Those thoughts, if you read what I wrote previously, weren't out of Jasper's realm of reality either.

Jasper's moods and his reactions or, more importantly, his overreactions to things are mostly due to the leftover effects of his illness. Both Edward and Jasper understand that. If you are wondering, they actually have support groups for people that have been through that. Sometimes they come across as bipolar for a while. You are incredibly lucky if it doesn't effect your mind as that's one of the most common lingering symptoms.

Now to the rest of you that understood what I wrote, thank you, this is for you.

Now we get to see into Edward's mind and what he was thinking as all that shit panned out with Jasper. I'll say sorry in advance if I make you cry with this chapter.

On with the story boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen.

Characters belong to SM

EPOV

Our parents looked at us, mouths open. I wanted to laugh, but I knew it would only come out bitter. Jasper and I had made up, in a way, but I knew, just as he knew, it wasn't over yet. We still had a lot to recover from after his outburst.

The last day and a half had been a living nightmare for me. I started thinking back to what led up to this, what led up to my anger.

Waking up from my nap in the car I asked “How much longer?”

“We're more than halfway there.” Jasper answered me looking over and smiling at me. I was too tired to respond to the smile.

Grunting at him I remained quiet, still not completely awake. My thoughts wouldn't quit. What would his parents say? What would they do? What would Jasper do? Would he decide I wasn't worth it and and not tell them anything? Did his parents already know? I knew they knew I at least liked guys, as that's the reason I ended up in their house, but what about Jasper? Would they think I'd somehow taken advantage of him? Damn it, my mind wouldn't just shut the fuck up and I really needed it to. All this worrying was wearing on me, I felt more than a little nervous and a whole lot nauseous. When I started fidgeting Jasper asked “Do we need to stop?”

I looked at him surprised and answered “No, why?”

“Because you keep fidgeting, what's got into you?” He questioned.

Looking out the window I told him “I'm just worried, that's all. What if they reject us? I don't want them to reject you, you still need them. Me? It doesn't matter. I've been through it before, I'll live. Although I'd rather it not turn out like that. I love your parents, they feel like mine.”

Jasper looked thoughtful before he said “I don't know what their reaction will be, but I don't think they'd reject us, at least not as people or as their children. As far as accepting us being together, I don't know what their reaction will be to that. I'm not in their heads.” I looked over at him and bit my lip before looking back out the window. The rest of the drive was almost in total silence. I was restless and nervous.

We'd decided we'd tell them together at the same time after dinner tonight. As far as I was concerned it was probably the last meal I'd ever have there. Jasper didn't think it would be, but he knew why I'd think that way. If they kicked us out of their home then we'd stay in a hotel and drive home tomorrow. I really hoped it didn't turn out that way, but you never knew.

Pulling into the long drive I was shaking I was so nervous. Jasper put his hand over mine as he said “Calm down, Edward.” I couldn't calm down. Now that we were here on the precipice of telling our parents reality set in. This wasn't a fairytale. Jasper, my lover, my friend, got sick and nearly died making me realize I didn't want to live without him. My own parents didn't accept me for who I was and now I was walking into the lion's den. If they didn't approve, then what? Would Jasper leave me so he could have his parents back? If that was the case, then I'd lose everything. I would have no one. My parents, my pseudo parents, and my best friend and lover would be gone. I was terrified of what the outcome would be. Parking the car Jasper kissed me once on the lips and squeezed my hand, offering reassurance.

Getting out of the car slowly I walked towards the house, knowing this could be the end. Jasper didn't seem as concerned as I did. Walking up the porch steps to the two story house I was terrified. Jasper opened the door and called out “Mom?” Carlisle was still at work.

“Jasper!” Esme said excitedly from what sounded like the kitchen. She came running out with her hair falling around her eyes. Esme stood there beaming at Jasper for a few seconds before she hugged him tightly to her. Patting his hair she said “Oh Jasper, honey, I'm so glad you're well. We were worried about you.” Stepping back from him she looked him up and down and said “Well, at least you've been taken care of. You look better already than you did in the hospital.” Standing behind Jasper I smiled to myself. Everyone had taken turns taking care of Jasper. It made my heart swell with pride that we had met such good friends. Jasper and I couldn't have asked for any better neighbors than Emmett and Rosalie, even though it was an uncertain friendship at first. Jamie had taken to Jasper anyway and put up with his shit, calmly for him, surprising even me.

Standing behind Jasper I tried not to impede on his and his mother's private reunion. Esme wouldn't let me. She hugged me and said “Thank you for keeping Jasper healthy. I don't want to lose my sons, either one of you.” What else was I supposed to do? I loved Jasper.

“I saw that, Jasper.” Esme said, still looking at me. Jasper must have rolled his eyes, he was predictible.

“Okay, now off with your shoes and socks.” She commanded. What the fuck for? I looked at Jasper knowing he was thinking the same thing before Esme went back to the kitchen.

We removed our shoes and socks and walked into a nearly all white living room. Who would have an all white room? It'd only get dirty and look dirtier than any other color.

Jasper sat down carefully looking as though he was afraid to touch anything. I sat down next to him, but not so close that people would think anything of it. Even though I was positive his parents knew, I wasn't going to confirm it before Jasper was ready. It was one thing to know in the back of your mind, but it was altogether different to actually be faced with it.

When Esme came back into the room she sat in one of the chairs and Jasper asked her “Mom, what's the deal with all this white?” I wondered that too, it was blinding and uncomfortable. It didn't lend itself to a relaxing environment. I wondered if she knew white was the color of death in many cultures. Was that an omen? I hoped not.

“What? I like it, it looks clean.” She said. It looks like one spill and it's ruined.

Changing the subject she said “I hope you boys don't mind, but seeing as how this is a white couch neither one of you can sleep down here. Edward's old room is my design room now, so that leaves Jasper's old room. I turned it into a guest room. Do you have a problem sharing the same bed?” She asked us. I resisted the urge to narrow my eyes at her in suspicion. I think my mouth dropped open in shock, she knew and blatantly said it in a roundabout sort of way.

Shrugging at her Jasper said “It's fine.” Was it really fine? I didn't know how comfortable he'd be with me here even if his parents accepted us.

Smiling at us she said “Good, good. Now I'm going to go finish up dinner before your father gets home. Why don't you guys go check out the room.”

Jasper snapped his fingers at me in front of my face saying “Earth to Edward, are you there?” Shaking my head I finally looked at him. Jasper stood up waiting for me to follow. We went upstairs to check out what would be our room during our stay, assuming they let us stay. The room here was brown and blue, much better than the white room of awaiting death. This was much more calming, soothing.

Jasper laid down on the bed and closed his eyes with an arm over them, he looked comfortable. I needed to be near him. I had a sinking feeling it might be the last time. Laying my head on his chest and placing my arm around his waist I fell asleep. I needed the sleep. I hadn't slept much these past few weeks, first with worrying over Jasper, then with work and now with worrying over our parents reactions.

Fortunately for me work had gone relatively well. If my coworkers knew I was with Jasper they either just accepted it or ignored it. It wasn't as though they knew much before about my personal life anyway. No one said much about it, which I was grateful for. They might not care, but a patient might reject my care because of it, even if they needed it.

“Boys, dinner's ready. Be at the table in five minutes.” Esme called up the stairs.

Nuzzling Jasper's neck and kissing it I heard him sigh. He still didn't fully wake up though. Climbing on top of him I said “Jasper, wake up. Esme is calling us down to dinner.” Jasper groaned in protest, not wanting to get up. I couldn't blame him. I'd much rather sleep the rest of the day away and forget about the worry of telling anyone anything. I also knew that wouldn't work with Esme, so I kissed his lips trying to wake him up more.

Jasper pulled away from me saying “Edward, if you don't stop doing that, I'm not going down to dinner.” Chuckling at him I got off him. I missed his warm body.

Walking down the stairs I tried not to laugh, I could tell Jasper was checking out my ass. It's what I would have done. I wished he was in front of me instead.

When I saw Carlisle I almost started shaking. I was nervous, but Jasper seemed to be getting more anxious by the second. Shifting my feet I watched as Carlisle stood to hug Jasper, then me. He said “I'm happy to see you got your memory back, son. We were really worried.”

“Yeah, me too.” Jasper said. Me too. I was more than worried about Jasper, he got off lucky. I'd never been so scared of losing someone in my entire life, not even my parents. I wanted to touch him, to feel him, to remind myself he was still here, still living. I couldn't do it though. We had agreed not to let them know yet and I wanted at least one last good conversation before the floodgates were opened.

Sitting down at the table I was across from Jasper. We had sat this way since I moved in here, by my choice. I didn't want any accidental touches giving me away if I sat next to him, or more importantly, my response to his touch. It would be too much if I lost my best friend too.

Carlisle and Esme didn't talk about anything too serious, mostly work related things. I could tell they were trying to put us at ease. Watching Jasper I could see him pick at his food, he was so nervous. I wanted to reassure him as he did earlier for me, but I couldn't from across the table. Jasper volunteered us to do the dishes, what the hell was he waiting for? It wouldn't get any better the longer we waited.

Watching Jasper put the dishes in the sink I wanted to give him the reassurance he needed, that I needed, that we clearly hadn't been able to show at the table. I kissed his neck scaring him. He jumped looking around in a panic, looking to see if his parents had seen it. “Jasper, let's hurry up and finish. We need to tell them, the longer we wait the worse it's going to get.” I told him. If they accepted it I didn't want to hide these touches or be afraid of what they might think. I was finally tired of hiding, from everyone. I was out with my friends, definitely with Jasper, with my coworkers, Esme and Carlisle were the last obstacle in my way. Jasper was the reason I was tired of it. He was the reason I came out in the light of day, for all the world to see. I wondered if he was even fully aware of this.

We finished the dishes quickly in silence, I was lost in my own thoughts. Squeezing Jasper's hand I kissed his lips just once before turning to the living room. I was calm, finally. This was the end, once this was done I would have that weight off my shoulders. Jasper seemed to have taken all of my nervousness from me, and now he was projecting it.

Carlisle and Esme were sitting on the chairs. I wondered if that's where they always chose to sit or if they wanted us on the couch together. My guess was the latter. Esme was on the edge of her seat in anticipation. Carlisle just looked tired, he looked like me when I came home from work after a long, grueling day. I almost snorted out loud, but kept it to myself. He was almost my hero, both him and Esme. They had not only taken me in to live with them in a time of need, they had loved me and taken me as long as they'd known me. They were the parents I wanted, that I needed, that I never had. That thought almost made me choke back tears. I loved both of them. I loved their son. I wanted this family.

Opening my mouth to speak I heard Jasper take a deep breath and then felt him grab my hand. I glanced at him unsure he was the one that wanted to take the initiative here, but as it was his parents I let him. If he wanted to back out now I wouldn't stop him, even if it made me sad. That would just mean more hiding and I didn't want to hide anymore. Jasper started speaking “Mom, dad, we have something to tell you. Edward and I are together.” Clearing his throat he said “I mean we are partners.” Carlisle and Esme looked at each other in silent communication. Jasper seemed to be holding his breath waiting, it almost looked like he was bracing himself for their disapproval. I knew he was close to exploding now. He hadn't had too many outbursts today, choosing instead to remain mostly silent. This was it, I knew it was coming before he even did I think.

Esme looked at us and said somewhat happily “We know. We've known for years now, we're just glad you finally told us.” Yeah, I was right, this was it. Jasper's face started to color as his temper began to rise. I knew he wished he could get that under control, but it just couldn't be helped. I, personally, wanted my more calm, rational Jasper back.

Jasper stood and yanked his hand out of mine as the explosion began. He yelled “What? How the hell did you know? I didn't even fucking know.” Jasper was angry, he was probably angrier than I'd ever seen him in my entire life. His parents didn't have a negative reaction, so what was the problem? I didn't get it. Carlisle, Esme and myself were all shocked. Jasper ran out the front door, away from us, away from me. What the hell just happened?

Esme blinked a couple of times and turned to me. “Edward, what's going on?” Shaking my head at her I ran out the door, after Jasper. Why did he leave? Why did he leave me?

Running down the stairs barefoot I finally felt the soft damp ground underneath my feet. If I hadn't been so worried about Jasper I might have enjoyed the feel of it, enjoyed the feel of nature away from the city.

I could hear the noise as Jasper's fists met the tree. Cringing inwardly at the physical pain I came at him slowly, not wanting to scare him away. He was like an animal that had been held captive for too long and angry. He was breathing heavily as I approached him.

Jasper turned towards me. He must have heard me. “Jasper?” I questioned him calmly. My eyes flickered down to his knuckles, as I picked them up, they were bloody. Why would he hurt himself this way? My jaw tightened afraid of his answer. I automatically knew I wasn't going to like his answer as I asked “Why?”

He shook his head at me. “Tell me.” I commanded.

Jasper looked down, he couldn't or wouldn't look at me. “You won't like what I have to say.” He stated quietly.

“Jasper, just tell me.” I pleaded. I knew I wouldn't like it, but not knowing what was going on in his mind wouldn't help us either.

“Okay... but remember you asked.” He told me taking a deep breath. Speaking very carefully he said “I have two thoughts in my head right now. One of them being, did other people influence me to like you as more than just a friend? I mean I never liked any guy other than you.” He was right about one thing, I didn't like it. His words put a wrecking ball through my chest. Dropping Jasper's battered hands I felt my heart drop. My blood rushed to the center of my body protecting me as best as it knew how, leaving everything else cold. Ice replaced the warm blood in my veins.

Anger couldn't even begin to cover how I felt, fury and hurt was closer. I almost felt betrayed by Jasper. How could he act that way? How could he say those things? How could he hurt me that way knowing what had happened with my own parents? How could he think people somehow made him want me? Did he think I was taking advantage of him?

I knew his illness was responsible somewhat for his response, but not his thoughts. The thought that others made him like me was ridiculous. I couldn't make a supposedly straight man like me, no matter how much I wanted it. That is, unless he wasn't straight. It didn't make sense.

I know Jasper said something to me after he told me that he thought other people had influenced him into liking me. I didn't hear it. I was too stunned. My feet wouldn't cooperate and get away from him as though they were fighting what he wanted. He didn't want me, other people wanted him to want me, that's what I heard. He was touching me? Why? All I'd heard was he thought other people made him like me, that he didn't. What was he kissing me for? Was this goodbye? I couldn't let go of the thought that he didn't want me. It was a horrible realization. Why had we gotten involved again? Why hadn't we just left well enough alone? We were okay with the way things were before, so why did we put ourselves through all this drama?

Stepping away from Jasper I said quietly “Let's go back to the house.” His last hug would probably be the last time he ever touched me, ever let me touch him. I could barely breathe, but I held myself together. I would not cry in front him, I wouldn't. He wouldn't see what a loser I was for loving him that much. I walked away from him, not looking back, still holding back the tears as long as I could.

Walking up the porch steps slowly I could hear Jasper behind me. I chose not to acknowledge him. There was a bowl of water and some towels for our feet awaiting us there. I almost decided to fuck it and walk off into the woods giving myself time to think. Before I could truly contemplate doing so Jasper picked up my feet startling me. Why wouldn't he stop touching me? He didn't want me. This had to be a parting gesture.

“Edward, I'm sorry.” Jasper said softly unable to look at me. He didn't want me, he didn't want me, he didn't want me. That mantra kept repeating itself in my head. I couldn't speak to him, if I did only sobs would come out. He wouldn't get the better of me, he wouldn't see how weak I was for him.

Drying off my feet first I got up and went inside the house still not speaking to him. It was better this way.

When I walked into the house both Carlisle and Esme had concerned looks on their faces. When they saw me Esme's face fell. I must have looked awful to get that response. If it matched my heart and my mind, then I was sure that I did.

Esme came over to me leading me to the couch. She held me in her arms rocking me. I wasn't even entirely sure this was real. Did that really happen? Did we come here? Did we tell them? Did Jasper just tell me he didn't want me? It was hard to breathe. Telling them was apparently a waste of time, he didn't want me.

Carlisle looked angry himself as he asked “What happened?” I shook my head. I couldn't answer that, not fully. That was Jasper's job, I wouldn't do it for him.

Remembering his hands though I spoke up and said “Carlisle, he beat up a tree and cut his hands all up. Maybe you should fix them. I can't right now.” Those words barely made it past my lips. He didn't want me, but I still loved him, I still wanted to take care of him. Fuck my life! It would make my life so much easier if I didn't love my best friend, hadn't loved him for years now. Maybe that's what his parents had picked up on, my love for him. Maybe that's why they thought we'd been together longer and I was just reading into signs that weren't there with Jasper.

Carlisle got up and started gathering up a few things for Jasper's hands taking them into the kitchen. Esme stayed beside me, she said “Edward, no matter what happens I love you. Carlisle loves you. We will always love you like our own son.” Her words made the tears flow. Jasper rejected me, his parents didn't. Unlike my own parents they accepted me for who I was, it was a small gift in my heartbreak.

Esme wiped the tears from my eyes and kissed the top of my head. I was starting to feel numb as I stared into nothingness. The numbness was preferable to the pain right now. Esme said “Edward, Jasper loves you. I don't know what happened or why he reacted like that, but I'm not stupid, he loves you whether he wants to or not.” No, he didn't love me. He as much said that other people had made his decision there. I shook my head no. “You don't have to believe me. I know in my heart that it's true.”

“So... apparently you haven't been together for years. We thought you had been, the looks, the touches, they aren't normal between two friends. Carlisle and I both knew that and we also knew you liked men, so it wasn't hard to figure out. Tell me, just exactly how long have you been together?” Esme asked.

“A couple of months.” I answered her. A couple of months? Really? Why had we felt the need to tell them after only a couple of months? We probably should have been a little more stable than that and Jasper less sick. Oh well, if this had continued I only would have fallen deeper, harder and it would be worse than this. It was already bad enough.

Esme gasped and asked “Really? That's all?”

“Yes, why?” I asked her.

“It seems longer to me. I think I've been waiting for you to come to us for so long that it never occurred to me that you weren't actually together.” She explained.

“Well, it doesn't matter anymore.” I stated just barely above a whisper.

“What do you mean it doesn't matter? You guys love each other, it matters.” Esme said. I almost snorted at her.

“It doesn't matter. It's over. He doesn't want me, he doesn't love me. No matter how much I love him I can't make him love me back.” I said starting to get angry. Sadness, numbness, now anger. Hmm... I wondered what I'd do if I actually saw Jasper right now.

“I don't think that's true. He loves you, Edward. He may be confused, but he loves you.” Esme said attempting to soothe me. “There is no way I'd ever believe he came out to us about you if he didn't. No way.” I did. He didn't want me, he didn't have to say it for me to know it.

Jasper walked past us after Carlisle fixed his hands, going up the stairs. I was hyperaware of every move he made, no matter how much I didn't want to be. Esme left me after a few minutes I assumed to talk to Jasper. It wouldn't make a difference. He didn't want me.

Carlisle came over and sat down next to me. Placing a hand on my shoulder he said “I know Jasper probably said something stupid, but he loves you.” I tried to shake his hand off. I couldn't handle anymore of this. They were trying to give us advice and the only people that mattered in our relationship right now, or lack of one, was Jasper and me.

Sighing at me Carlisle repeated “He loves you.” I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him. Jasper didn't want me. He didn't want me. Carlisle got up saying goodnight after a couple more minutes.

I couldn't stay down here forever. Starting my way up the stairs I didn't know what I was going to do before I got there. Standing in the doorway of Jasper's old room I saw him on the bed, his head in his hands. Did I even want to come in here? I seriously contemplated sleeping in the hallway or the bathroom, anywhere but the same room he was in. “You might as well come in, Edward.” Jasper said sighing. I decided to fuck it, I probably wouldn't sleep no matter where I was. Right now I deserved at least a comfortable place to lie down.

Lying down on the opposite side of the bed from Jasper I turned to the wall, not looking at him. I felt the bed shift as he lay down as well. I couldn't sleep. Silent tears fell and I hoped he couldn't see them in the dark. For hours we lay like that. I knew Jasper wasn't sleeping either. Did he wish we'd never started this thing? I didn't start it, he did. That's when the tears slowed and I felt rage take its place. I didn't start this, he was the one that came to me. He could have said no, but he didn't. He said he wanted this. He wanted me. He wanted us. So then, what changed?

Jasper put his arm around my waist kissing me before saying “I'm sorry.” Stop fucking touching me.

Shrugging him off I finally spoke the first words to him since we were outside “Please don't, not right now.” I couldn't handle his sorries. I didn't want to hear them.

Jasper got up leaving me alone in the bed, leaving me in silence. Turning over in the bed I fell asleep. Tired and exhausted from the lack of sleep from working and the stress of being rejected my body shut down.

Waking up I found my head on Jasper's pillow with my arms around it holding it close to me. It still smelled like him. That must have been the catalyst to lull me to sleep. I threw the pillow against the wall. Jasper didn't need to see what a pathetic loser I was sniffing his pillow, desperately holding onto something that smelled like him when he didn't want me.

The smell of eggs wafted up the stairs to me and I sat up on the bed rubbing a hand across my face attempting to wake up a little more. Esme always made the best omelettes, something she'd taught Jasper to do. Jasper hadn't made them or even cooked much since before he was in the hospital. He really couldn't and I was afraid the apartment wouldn't survive if he tried, so I was grateful for Rosalie's help there. She tried to teach Jasper the things she cooked while she was there anyway. I had to say though that I missed Jasper's cooking, it was like eating Esme's cooking, like eating at home.

Would we ever eat together again? Would we still live together? Those thoughts rolled around in my head. What I did know is that no matter what happened I still wanted my best friend. I would do whatever it took to keep that part of him. I'd nearly lost him once, I knew I couldn't live without him in my life.

Deciding I'd go down to see Esme I made my way down the stairs. “Esme, are you making breakfast?” I asked wiping my face as I walked in, in an attempt to wake myself up further.

“No, I'm making breakfast.” Jasper said making me stop in my tracks. Try to relax, try to act normal. Don't let him see how much he hurt you, don't do it.

“Where's mom?” I asked.

“Apparently, both our parents are working today.” Jasper said.

Frowning at him I asked “Why? They knew we were coming here to see them. They couldn't have rearranged their schedules?” I was definitely annoyed. That would mean I was stuck in this house with Jasper without any other outlet. I was suspicious, that sounded exactly like something they would do to us on purpose, interfering again.

Sliding an omelette onto a plate he handed it over to me before turning back to make his. “Thanks.” I said and picked up some toast. Sitting down at the table I noticed the whiskey bottle and the shot glass on the table. Jasper had been drinking his stress away. Fuck, shouldn't that be me?

Jasper sat down next to me when he was done making his own omelette. He was very close, but I wouldn't let him see the effect it had on me. The only thing that kept me there in that seat was our many years of friendship that I didn't want to lose. If he had been anyone else and had said those things to me I would have been long gone, never speaking to that person again. Opening his mouth to speak he said “Edward, I'm...”

Looking at him sharply I snapped “Don't fucking say you're sorry one more time, I can't handle it.” The anger he'd been having had transferred itself to me I knew. If he said he was sorry one more time I thought I was going to deck him. Stabbing my food angrily I ate quickly trying to get out of there and away from him, away from the tension.

Clearing his throat he tried another tactic. “Edward, my mom mentioned something to me yesterday, but I don't remember it. I wondered if you did.” He said.

“What is it, Jasper?” I asked warily. Even if I decided I wanted to keep our friendship alive, I wasn't ready to forgive him. I didn't want to talk to him right now.

“Do you remember us sleeping together before you moved in here?” He asked. Huh?

Confused for a minute I said “What? Of course we slept together.” We'd only been friends forever, so I didn't know what the hell he was getting at.

“No, I mean in each other's arms. My mom says we did, especially when you came from a fight at your house.” Jasper explained.

“Oh, that.” I said. I did remember that.

“What do you mean oh, that?” Jasper asked.

“I mean I remember it.” I stated. He was getting angry I could tell. Bring it on, because right now I could really take my anger out somewhere.

“I don't.” He said looking at me and waited for some sort of explanation.

“We slept like that until I moved in. Even though I loved it I stopped doing that when I moved in afraid you'd turn from me, just like my parents.” I said sadly. Briefly I glimpsed his face, it was full of sadness, before turning my thoughts to my parents and the first time Jasper ever held me...

Lying on my bedroom floor when I was about five I was playing with my legos trying to build a skyscraper out of them. I'd never actually seen a skyscraper before except on TV. It was then that I heard my parent's raised voices. Their voices only continued to get louder and louder from downstairs.

My parents had never fought, or I'd never heard them fight until now. They were scaring me. Slowly I crept out of my room to listen to what they were saying. Sitting down on the stairs I listened as my parents raged on. My mom was shouting at my father “How could you do that to your own brother?”

My dad's voice was just as loud as he said “Do that to him? What about what he did to me? It's going to ruin everything.” I was confused. What were they talking about? I knew I had an uncle somewhere, but he lived too far away, so I'd never met him. What did it matter what he did from that far away?

“You don't just throw blood out just because they do something you don't like, Eddie.” My mom's voice was still raised.

“Watch me.” My father sneered at her. My mom opened her mouth again until she spotted me.

“This isn't over. I'm going to take Edward over to Esme's, he doesn't need to hear this.” She said to my father as she came over to me. He huffed and glanced at me before stalking away mumbling 'it won't change anything'.

“Come on, sweetie, let's get your jacket on and I'll take you over to see Jasper. You boys can play together, that will be more fun than being by yourself.” She told me grabbing my jacket. I didn't want to see Jasper right then, I wanted to know what was going on.

We piled into the car as Jasper lived too far away to walk there, neither one of us had close neighbors. “Mom, why are you fighting?” I asked her knowing I probably wouldn't get an answer.

“Edward, sometimes people fight. Now why don't you not worry about it and have fun playing. Can you do that for me?” My mom asked. She looked sad though and it made me sad.

My mom rang the doorbell to Jasper's house and told me to be a good boy for them as if I didn't already know that. Esme answered the door smiling before it started to slip at the look on my mom's face. “Esme, can Edward stay here right now?” My mom asked still holding my hand.

“Of course he can. He can stay here whenever he wants to.” She said smiling down at me.

“Thank you. Eddie and I are fighting right now and he doesn't need to hear it.” My mom said in a hushed tone as though I couldn't hear her. Esme nodded her head.

Jasper came running up to Esme and asked “Who is it?” When he spotted me he smiled widely, his blue eyes dancing.

“Jasper, honey, Edward is going to play with you for a while, if that's okay.” Esme told him.

He looked at her like she'd lost her mind. “'Course he can. Wanna play legos?” Jasper asked me and I laughed. “What's so funny?” He asked frowning.

“That's what I was playing before we came over.” I told him and he smiled at me brightly.

Tugging on his mother's pants he said “Mom? Mom? Mom?”

Esme sighed exasperated and said “What is it, honey?”

Bouncing up and down on his feet Jasper said “Can Edward spend the night? Pretty please?”

“If that's alright with Edward and his mom, but you'd better ask them.” Esme told him.

Turning to me he asked “Do you want to spend the night?” I nodded my head. I'd never spent the night with anyone before. Actually I never saw Jasper much except at school.

“Is it okay?” Jasper looked up asking my mom.

“Sure, but he doesn't have any pj's.” My mom told him. Did that mean she didn't want me to stay?

“I've got pj's, he can wear some of mine. Please let him stay.” Jasper begged my mom.

“Oh, alright. Have fun, Edward, and stay out of trouble.” My mom said before hugging me goodbye.

Jasper and I ran up the stairs to his bedroom. He already had the legos spread out on the floor. “What do you want to make?” I asked him.

“A house.” He said firmly.

“Okay...” I said. That didn't seem cool, at all.

“Well, what were you making then?” Jasper asked me.

“A skyscraper.” I said and Jasper whistled.

“Wow. Now I want to build that too.” He said and we got to work building our skyscraper, only arguing occassionally on where the pieces should go.

When we were done I told Jasper “One day I'm going to live in one of those.”

Jasper frowned at me and said “You can't live in one of those. Those things only have offices in them.”

“No, they don't. I've seen people on TV that live in them.” I argued.

“Really? Then I want to live in one too.” Jasper looked awed that anyone could live in a place like that. Then he looked up at me and said “We should live in one together when we are old enough.”

Laughing at him I said “We can't live in one of those together. When we get old we have to live in a house with a girl.” I didn't know much about life, but I did know that's what big people did.

Gagging Jasper said “Ugh. I don't want to live with a girl.”

“Why?” I asked confused.

“'Cause girls have cooties.” He stated matter-of-factly.

“Your mom is a girl, does she have cooties?” I asked him. If they were catching I didn't want them.

Thinking it over he said “No, she's a mom. Mom's don't have cooties.” Okay, now he was just making stuff up.

“Jasper... what are cooties?” I asked him curiously.

Shrugging at me he said “I don't know. I just know girls have them.” That was stupid, but I wasn't about to tell him that. What if he was right?

“Jasper, Edward, dinner's ready.” Esme called up the stairs. We weren't done playing, but Jasper told me that we had to go down or she'd come and get us. Sighing we ran down the stairs skipping every other step.

“Go sit down at the table. I made you boys hambugers.” Esme told us and that made Jasper look happy. We sat down at the table eating, talking, and giggling with our mouths full, making a mess. Sitting side by side we were actually turned facing one another which meant all our crumbs landed on the floor instead of our plates.

Neither of us could finish what was on our plates, so we asked if we could go play some more. Esme told us we could as long as we got ready for bed first. Letting us go we raced upstairs trying to see who got to Jasper's room first. It was a tie.

Jasper opened one of his drawers and threw me some pajamas and pulled some out for himself. We changed our clothes in a hurry to get back to playing.

“Whatcha wanna do now?” Jasper asked me.

“Um... I don't know.” I said, not knowing what he had here or what he liked doing.

His eyes brightened as he asked “Do you like Superman?”

“I guess.” Was my reply. If Jasper liked Superman, then I was going to like Superman.

“We have the movie. Want to watch it?” He asked me. Shrugging at him I agreed.

Running back downstairs Jasper asked “Mom, can we watch Superman?”

“Again? Honey, aren't you tired of that movie?” Esme asked him.

“No. Besides, I haven't watched it with Edward.” He told her.

“Okay, okay. Let me put it in for you.” Esme said. She put the video in the VCR and we sat down on the floor of the den to watch it, probably entirely too close to the TV. I was somewhat fascinated by it and the colors, but I still didn't see why Jasper loved it so much.

“Jasper, why do you like Superman?” I asked him.

Looking at me seriously he said “'Cause I wish someone like that was real.”

“Why?” Why did he need someone like that?

“If someone like that was real then maybe I'd still have my real parents.” He told me. I didn't know what to say to that, so I just patted his arm.

Yawning and sleepy Esme told us to go upstairs to bed. Our eyes drooping closed we made it slowly to Jasper's room and laid down on the bed. A few minutes later Esme came in and said “Goodnight, boys.” Then she gave Jasper a hug and a kiss on his forehead before doing the same to me. I couldn't figure out why she'd give me those things though.

“G'night, mom.” Jasper said.

“'Night.” I told her. She closed the door leaving it slightly open with the light shining in from the hall along with Jasper's nightlight. I could just barely make out Jasper, he looked creepy in the weird light. “Jasper?” I questioned to see if he was awake.

“Yeah?” He said turning to me.

“Why do you call your mom, mom? I mean she's not your real mom.” I asked him curiously, hoping he didn't get mad.

“She's mom and then I have dad. My real parents I called mama and papa, so I don't get them mixed up.” He told me. Those were weird things to call your parents. Years later Jasper told me his parents were from the south, that they moved up here after they got married. It was one of the few things he could remember about them.

“Oh.” I said before we fell silent. The silence only made me think back to my parents fighting. Why were they fighting now? They never did before. My eyes started to well with tears and I tried to brush them away. Boys don't cry, or at least that's what my father always told me. Jasper noticed them, but instead of asking what I was crying over he put his arms around me pulling me close. My tears and snot made his shirt all wet and gross, I doubted he'd want me to spend the night here anymore. We fell asleep like that and woke up the same way. Jasper never said anything whenever he held me, just being content to lie there. That's what I needed when my parents fought and they fought often. Neither of us ever mentioned it, never thought it was abnormal.

It was that memory more than anything else that made me listen to Jasper, to actually hear what he had to say.

Jasper pulled me into his arms and I tried to get away. I couldn't figure out for the life of me why he wouldn't stop touching me if he didn't want me. “Edward, I know you don't want to hear it, but I am sorry.” My body stiffened. He was sorry? He said he was sorry, again? After I told him not to? “I love you, so much.” Yeah, as in a 'let's be friends' sort of way. You don't love me like I love you. “I know you felt like I was rejecting you yesterday, but I wasn't.” Really? That's what I heard, you rejecting me, that's what it felt like. “I was angry, confused and afraid.” Yeah? Me too. I didn't go around half cocked though. “I know your parents kicking you out hurt you. I know my reaction hurt you.” That's an understatement. “Just remember that I love you, no matter what.” Really? Are you sure about that, Jasper? “I may do or say stupid, idiotic, fucked up things sometimes, but I still love you.” You certainly said some stupid, idiotic, fucked up things to me yesterday. “I want to be with you.” Yeah, right. “I can't imagine being with anyone else.” Jasper let it all out and waited while I absorbed what he'd said. He couldn't imagine being with anyone else? I thought he didn't want me. Fuck, I was confused. This conversation was exhausting and I was too sleepy for this.

Lifting up my head I said “I'm tired. Let's go back to bed.” He nodded and we both got up.

In the bedroom I stripped down to my boxers and saw Jasper come into the room with our bag. He looked at me with lust. He wanted me. Right now I was still too angry to act on it though. Slipping under the covers first Jasper followed quickly. I was turned facing the wall. He put his arm around me pulling me to his chest. This time I didn't pull away. If he didn't want me surely he wouldn't do that. Remembering the first time he held me in this room I smiled.

Finally allowing myself sleep, real rest, I sank deeper into the mattress and against Jasper's chest. Somewhere far away I felt a kiss on my neck and then someone licking the shell of my ear making me shiver. I heard a whispered “I'm going to take a shower.” Mmm... I wasn't entirely awake when I thought about being in the shower with Jasper.

Hearing the shower running I imagined Jasper naked and wet in there. My cock twitched at the thought. Damn it. My mind was not ready for that, but my cock won that battle. I was still waffling between I loved Jasper, I needed to forgive him and I hated Jasper, I needed to tell him to go to hell.

It was those conflicting thoughts that I carried with me into the shower. My feet led me right to him, only pausing long enough to grab a condom and the bottle of lube from our bag and slipping out of my own boxers.

When I walked into the bathroom I saw Jasper standing there under the running water. Fuck me, he was beautiful. I watched as the water ran down his toned body and made me want to lick every part of him. Swallowing hard I couldn't let him see that. I couldn't let him see that I still loved him, that I wanted to make love to him. No, that wasn't going to happen. Not today.

Stepping into the shower I pressed Jasper against the tile wall away from me and felt him jump. Good. “Edward?” Jasper asked.

“Were you expecting anyone else, Jazz?” I asked him laughing bitterly. You belong to me to Jasper, no one else.

“What are you doing?” He asked me as I still had him pressed against the wall. My hands held his against the wall as my erect cock pressed into his ass wanting nothing more than to be buried deep inside him.

Kissing his neck first, I then bit it, marking him. “I'm showing you who you belong to. Me.” I said aggressively.

“I know who I belong to.” Jasper said. Yeah, right.

“Really? Are you sure, Jazz? Yesterday, you seemed to think that you belonged to everyone else, that they were the reason we are together.” I told him angrily.

“I'm sure, Edward. Please, just let me turn around.” He pleaded. I held him against the wall so he couldn't move.

“No. I don't think I'll let you. You're going to make it up to me.” I told him agressively. “How are you going to make it up to me?” I asked. He pushed his ass against my hard cock in answer.

“That's not good enough. Tell me.” I commanded. I needed to hear his words, needed to hear him tell me that he even wanted to make it up to me, that he still wanted me.

“Let me make love to you.” He said and I wanted to laugh. Right fucking now I was in no mood to make love to anyone.

Scoffing at him I said “Make love to me? I don't think so, Jazz.” It was hard to believe he even wanted to make love to me after yesterday or do anything else for that matter. Then I bit him again and said “I'm going to fuck you senseless without you being able to look at me.”

“Close your eyes.” I commanded, unable to look at him with them open. It hurt too much. He let them slip closed. “I want you to feel me, feel what only I can do to you.” He moaned at my words. Jasper needed to remember that even though I was the only guy he'd ever liked that he was still affected by me, by my touch. No one else could make him feel that way for me, no one else, just him and him alone.

Still holding onto both his hands I moved my mouth down to his arms kissing and sucking, working my way across his shoulders, across his neck. Letting go of his hands I warned “Don't move your hands or I will stop doing what I'm doing and take matters into my own hands.” If he didn't like what I was doing then he could move them and I'd stop, taking care of myself without him. He never moved them.

My hands moved down his sides as my lips kissed down his back. I'd forgotten I wasn't going to do it, but I did anyway, I licked the indentations where the muscles of his body seperated along the way. I couldn't resist doing it. Working my way down his body I ended up on my knees with my hands on his ass. It called to me and I nipped at it. Jasper yelped in surprise and then yelped again as his body hit the cold tile before pushing his ass closer to my face. I laughed at him before getting back to what I was doing.

My lips made it between his thighs sucking on the soft skin there. “Fuck...” Jasper breathed. He was right where I wanted him. My tongue licked the crack of his ass asking for entrance. He took a wider stance, wanting me, allowing me to touch him, to feel him. My hands pulled his ass cheeks apart and I let my tongue slip inside. Fuck. He felt good against my tongue, and warm. I wanted to be inside him.

Moving my mouth away from there I bit his ass again, the ass that belonged to me. I hoped he never forgot it again. Grabbing the lube I put some on my fingers before entering one into his ass. I was impatient, I wanted to feel him around my cock instead. Adding another finger and then another pumping him I heard Jasper moan at me, wanting me. Jasper pushed against my hand and plead “Please...” You'll get it when I'm ready for you to. I slapped his ass, and even I could feel the sting of the water against my hand so I know he felt it against his ass. It was probably heightened as his eyes were closed.

Removing my fingers from his ass I stood up and pressed my cock against his ass asking “Is this what you want?”

“Fuck, yes.” Jasper growled. Fuck. I couldn't resist that growl. Tearing open the condom package with wet hands was difficult so I used my teeth instead. Rolling it over my cock I added a little more lube to it before I was at his hole. Jasper sighed in relief as I pushed into him slowly. Even though I was angry still I didn't want to hurt him, so I continued slowly until I couldn't take it anymore and started fucking him in earnest. I knew Jasper needed relief, but I wasn't willing to let him touch himself. He was going to get off on my touch alone, mine, not his, no one else but mine. He belonged to me. Jasper asked “Edward, please, can I touch myself?”

“Don't even think about moving your hands, Jazz.” I said with a warning tone.

Continuing fucking him I was nearly ready to let go as I felt my balls tighten. Jasper was going to come with my hand around his cock, not his. Wrapping my hand around his cock I thought I heard a small whimper of relief. Stroking him hard I continued fucking him. He was close, so very close. Picking up my pace around his cock I felt him tense against me right before he let go. He let go at my touch, he got off from mine alone. That thought pleased me as his ass clenched around my cock, his forehead resting against the shower wall. Shooting my own load into the condom I pulled out of him. Placing a soft kiss on his neck I was exhausted and felt a little bit guilty, then again I didn't.

Rearranging my face so I didn't appear guilty I had an innocent look on my face. Jasper snorted at me when he turned around and saw it. Raising a brow at him I dared him to question it and went along with my own shower. Did he notice I didn't call him anything but Jazz during that entire time? Jazz was my name for him, it belonged to me and me alone. It was mine. He was mine. Mine. Fuck, when did I become jealous?

We both eventually got dressed and went downstairs to find both our parents home. They both looked like they were trying not to laugh. They must have heard us. Esme spoke up and asked “Did you boys kiss and make up?” Jasper's face turned bright red, he couldn't even look at her.

Humming happily I said “Yes.” Jasper glared at me. Carlisle and Esme laughed probably at both him and me. I whispered in his ear “What's wrong, Jazz? That's what they wanted to hear.” Unable to stop myself and unwilling to hide it I kissed him full on the mouth letting my tongue slip inside. We were still in front of his parents, I didn't care. When I pulled away from him I slapped his sweet ass and his parents stared at us with their mouths open.

Recovering first Esme said “I guess you did make up.” Then she shook her head trying not to laugh again and said “Lunch is on the table, we've been waiting for you.”

We all walked into the dining room and I went to take my usual seat across from Jasper. He put his hand on my arm stopping me and pulled me to the seat next to his. “Sit next to me, please.” Jasper requested. I smiled slightly. He was still trying to make up for what he'd said to me. I still wasn't entirely over it.

Sitting down Jasper pulled his chair closer to mine and put a hand on my thigh keeping it there during the entire time. I wanted to laugh watching him eat with only one hand, but I wasn't about to remove his hand this time. I missed his touch.

Carlisle and Esme could clearly see that and smiled at each other often. I almost wondered if they were happier that we were together than Jasper and me. Huh, Jasper might not have been so far off in his assumptions then. “Okay, boys, we've got some other things we need to get done today. So enjoy yourselves and stay out of trouble.” Esme said and I snorted to myself. Right... When she said stay out of trouble it reminded me of what my own mother said to me the first time she brought me here. It made me a little sad to think about her.

Jasper's parents left us alone in the house again and he turned to me asking “What do you want to do now?” There wasn't much to do in this small town and it was raining too hard right now to really enjoy being outside.

“I don't know. Watch a movie?” I asked.

“Sure. Let's see what my parents have.” Jasper said walking into the den. This room was more comfortable than the living room, but that couch was so old you could barely get out of it. I wondered why Esme still kept it when she had changed everything else.

Looking through their DVD's I spotted Superman. Oh, we had to watch that one. Pulling it out I showed it to Jasper. He gave me a funny look and asked “Superman? Really?”

Nodding my head I said “Yes, really. That's what I want to watch.”

“Okay...” Jasper said taking it from me. He put the movie in and I moved the coffee table away from the couch. Sitting down I leaned my back against the couch deciding that sitting on the floor would be safer than actually sitting on the couch. Jasper joined me.

Grabbing my hand Jasper held onto it tightly as though he was afraid I was going somewhere. Kissing my neck Jasper breathed “I love you, I'm sorry I was being an idiot.” He wanted me.

Turning my head towards him I said “I'm sorry, too. I wasn't listening to you.” Then I kissed his soft lips gently sucking on the bottom one. Pulling away I said “I love you too, Jazz. I've never loved anyone more than you.”

Smiling at me tentatively he turned his head back to the movie. “Do you remember when we used to watch this as kids?” He asked me. “I think I drove my mom crazy watching it over and over.”

“Yeah, I remember it.” I said laughing, that's exactly why I chose to watch this movie over any other.

“Too bad there aren't any real Supermen in real life.” Jasper said sighing.

“Oh really? Are you sure about that one, Jazz?” I asked teasingly.

Frowning at me in confusion he asked “What are you talking about?”

“I think Emmett might be yours.” I said laughing. Jasper's mouth popped open before he slapped my arm lightly.

“You think he saved me?” He asked me.

“No, I don't think it. I know it.” I answered.

“Edward, you saved me too.” Jasper stated quietly. Swallowing hard I couldn't respond to that. I'd do anything to keep him with me.

We ended up laying on the floor finishing up the movie. My head lay on Jasper's chest like it had countless times before, my arm around his waist. Then I heard Jasper gasp and felt him shift as he shot up nearly crushing me, I rolled out of his way quickly. “What the fuck, Jasper?” I shouted at him.

He looked at me with wide eyes and said softly “I remember.”

“You remember what exactly?” I asked him trying to calm my heart down.

He reached out to me and pulled me back down with him. Then he said “I remember this.” He ran his hand through my hair and I sighed in contentment. He wanted me. My home was holding me in his arms. I never wanted to get up from there.

AN: Have a happy New Year. Be safe.